Right Where I Belong

Last night I had one of my recurring dreams.  The one where I have moved back into the house I used to live in as a kid.  I was so sure, as I am every time I have the dream, that it was real.  I kept saying, This time it has really happened.  It has finally come true.  Just like I knew it would.

Just like I knew it would.

I did go to the BlogHer09 conference.  I actually wrote a post (but didn't publish it) over a week ago about all the crazy things that happened leading up to going away.  I went.  It was fabulous.  I came back to the stress and the fallout.  But it was all worth it.

And I have to ask myself, "Why?"  Why did I go again when for so many reasons I shouldn't have?  And why is it so wonderful, an experience I thoroughly enjoy? 

I barely blog.  I am constantly on double not-so-secret probation from the BlogHerAds people because I don't post often enough.  My ads get turned off and I feel like a loser.  Why haven't I just thrown in the towel?

I've said this many times before: writing does not come easily to me.  And blogging can be overwhelming.  I feel that I don't get back to people, I don't read all of their posts, I am a bad blogging citizen, blah, blah, blah.

And yet, I can't give it up.

In my dream last night, I am telling my father, who was visiting us in the new/old house, that I knew this was going to happen.  That I had dreamed about it for years.  And here I was, in that house again.

Just like I knew it would.

As the third child, I could sum up a lot of my issues from growing up as: wanting to be heard.  To know something that my siblings didn't.  To be right.  Respected.  Worthwhile.

I spend a ton of time agonizing over decisions, second guessing myself.  I have wondered what I should be doing with myself.  Should we live here, in my hometown?  Should I get a job?  Should we have another baby? 

But when I go to the BlogHer conferences I feel like I am doing something right.  Like I am where I belong.  Even if I am not a very skilled writer.  Even if I don't post enough or follow up.  I know it is because I've always wanted to be part of a group of people who think about things as much as I do.  Who are connected to others by their ideas and depth of understanding.  Who value intelligence and wit, creativity and knowledge.

I feel like a better person when I among these people.

This dream I have is very similar each time I have it.  But this time it ended differently.  It was the most vivid it has ever been as far as feeling that it was real.  I was so sure.  So positive that this was the time it wasn't a dream.

As I wandered around the house, I had a sudden sinking feeling, instead of the normal smug, contented one that I was right and this had come to pass.  I looked out the front windows and thought: I don't know anyone who lives here anymore.  Who will my children play with?  They will miss their neighbors.  Who will I talk with?  Why did I move here? 

I've made a terrible mistake.

And I woke up.  Dazed.  Confused. 

Relieved.

I was right where I wanted to be.  In my own bed.  In my own house.  With my dog and my husband and my kids.

My life was the one I wanted.  Not the dream of going back to the time when I felt secure and idealistic.  I always wanted to feel like I had a sense of purpose and a place where I belonged.  Where I could feel both comfortable and inspired.  Important and fulfilled.  My life has turned out to be all that I always dreamed and hoped it would be.

Just like I knew it would.

Comments

[Laura]

This was great Lori-very well written and thoroughly enjoyable to read!

[Stimey]

This is a great post. I don't care how often you write. I will always be here when you do. My husband was questioning the value of all our connectivity the other day, asking why it is we as a society feel the need to use all our technology to interact. Is it meaningful? Does it matter? I didn't even have to think about it. Yes. It matters. It's literally changed my life. And you are definitely part of the community that has done that.

[mrs. chicken]

Beautiful. And even if it doesn't come easy, your writing is gorgeous.

[Maddy]

I usually avoid dreaming by waking up as they are always pretty hateful [the dreams that is to say] I'm glad yours left you in an entirely different space.

As for the 'bad blogger' bit, don't worry about it. It's summer and somehow we're still all on a really tight schedule.
Cheers

[Cyndi]

What's that half read book on my nightstand "What to Say When You Talk to Yourself" - it is high time you stop beating yourself over the head and give yourself some positive messages! Everyone else is!

[Cyndi]

PERFECT!!!!

[nanakat]

Writing, like breathing, is a very personal thing. Everyone does it; evenyone does it differently.
You have a voice. It is unique. It is readable. It is filled with love for your family. Don't not write because you think it isn't good enough. It's very good. Please keep sharing.

[Patty]

Wow. I so wish I had an epiphany like this, since so much of the time I am filled with doubt, especially regarding my parenting skills, etc. But, I know deep down, if I can filter out all that negative chatter, I would know I was right where I am supposed to be.

Thanks for this post!

[tracey]

See, you write because these are the memories that you won't want to forget. Whether you post once a day or once a month, each post is something you will treasure.

(Do you remember me? I'm the girl who thought you were related to me!)

[Kyla]

This is why we like it when you DO post, you ARE a good writer.

[floating in space]

Love this, Lor.

[magpie]

i like this. it rings true.

[Niksmom]

Beautiful. Simply beautiful.

[slouchy]

beautiful post. writing does not come easily to you? pshaw.

[flutter]

I loved meeting you last year. I miss seeing your words