Say Something

"Say something, say something, anything

I've shown you everything

Give me a sign

Say something, say something, anything

Your silence is deafening

Pay me in kind"

James

So ..... I haven't been posting here, obviously. And I never know exactly how to get back into blogging when I've fallen off the wagon. Do I explain why I haven't blogged? Do I try to make excuses? Do I just ignore the fact that I haven't written anything in over two months and write whatever?

I started this blog nearly two years ago because I had a story to tell. But before I detailed that ordeal, I started writing about what was happening in my life in the moment. And I realized, quickly, the true essence of blogging. The real time sharing, the community of readers and writers. I was hooked.

But. Over time I've also become somewhat disenchanted. My insecurities flaring up, telling me: you are not a writer. you've said everything you have to say. you have become redundant. you are not good enough. you do not deserve this space or an audience.

All of that is true. And at the same time not true at all.

I might not be schooled in writing but I am nonetheless writing. I've said what I originally set out to say, but I always (just ask anyone who knows me in real life) have more to say (my parent's used to call me Lori-Last-Word because I never stopped talking). Sure, I repeat myself, and I have common themes that resurface here, but so do all bloggers (and all writers, come to think of it). And it is absolutely true that I hold company with people who are far better writers than I am. Woman, mostly, who amazing me every day with their prose. But that doesn't mean that what I have to say, the content of my posts, matters any less.

I can't decide if I would be more upset if no one reads here anymore or if people do read this. Because then I will feel guilty for my lack of good blogging citizenship. For not reading and commenting on others' blogs.

I simply cannot keep up. As a person who is prone to being overwhelmed to begin with, blogging presents a most difficult challenge. It is so time-consuming. And emotionally exhausting. I never need ideas for what to write about, quite the opposite, I have so many things I want to post that I can never decide what to go with. I find myself agonizing endlessly about posts I never wrote, stories I didn't get to, opinions never expressed.

But my life is immensely richer for having started this blog. For writing here and forging the relationships that I have.

I've been in a funk. Well, now I am passed the worst part of it. I go through bouts of depression. Times when I feel inadequate and hopeless. At forty, I can spot these episodes easily, and I know what to do to get out of them.

You start by doing something, anything. Taking a walk. Calling a friend. Cleaning out a drawer. Something to get you moving, so you feel alive, no matter how little. Just enough to get a tiny bit of momentum. Because one step always leads to more. Always.

So, I am back to running. I am in my second official week of training for the half marathon that I did last year and signed up for again. This time, though, I am also back to doing my workout videos on non-running days.

I knew if I could just get started, I would be alright again.

And so it goes here.

Say something. Anything.

Now I know I can take another step.

Comments

[Shannon]

Wow. I could have written this post. You are living my life. Dealing with a very anxious child. Bouts of depression, feeling inadequate. And I'm turning 40 in a couple weeks. And the half-marathon! What are you running? I'm doing the Lehigh Valley in May.

[tracey]

Lori -glad you are posting again - I keep checking the site to see if there are any updates. I have always thought that it must be really hard to keep up though. I would never have the commitment to keep up (kids or no kids!)

[mrs.chicken]

I'm listening.

[Patty]

I too am happy you are back. Please don't give yourself more to feel guilty about. I know that urge where you feel like you have to read everyone's blogs, but you know, we have to live life, too. And as for repeating yourself, everyone does. For me, it is immensely reassuring to hear about other parents' struggles and triumphs with parenting and SPD, in particular. So, thank you for that!

And as I used to tell my students, anyone who writes is a writer. It is as simple as that. we all have a story to tell that is important.

[Stimey]

I like that. You start by doing something, anything. I'm going to start doing something tomorrow about all that running I'm supposed to be doing with you.

I'm glad to be reading you again!

[Cyndi]

Small steps! In my brief period as an organizer that's what I read and heard over and over again. Break it down into small bite size pieces and tackle them one by one.

Also, those of us who are interested but aren't willing to commit to daily reading don't mind if you only post one a week, or as the mood strikes! The daily stuff is hard to keep up with. (Spoken like an outsider, I know!)

[Carol]

Lori - You HAVE to keep blogging if for no other reason than I can find out what's going on in your life in bits and pieces as opposed to those 2-hour-long phone calls we're prone to. And by the way, I love your writing - it's always very honest and refreshing. You're always your own harshest critic!

[jaelithe]

(Oh, incidentally- you are a perfectly fine writer and should not think otherwise.)

[jaelithe]

I've fallen off the blogging wagon so often I think I have permanent bruises. And I AM a professional writer, born, bred and trained. I'm just not really a natural at semi-professional blogging. I have a hard time with the weird fame-in-obscurity factor in blogging. I do love the SOCIAL aspect of social media; and I do love writing; it's just sometimes hard for me to deal with the demands of a very visible waiting audience. I get stage fright. That's why I always worked behind the scenes in theater.

And of course, the time demands you've mentioned are very real and can be overwhelming.

I'm always nervous when I think about coming back from a dry spell, but good people have always welcomed me back when I'm ready to come back.

[slouching mom]

Hi! Good to see you!

[Laura]

Don't feel bad Lori. I admire you for taking the risk and starting your blog. Look at me?? I have been procrastinating and promising to get a blog started and I haven't! Take the pressure off of yourself, write when you are motivated or have inspiration. I hear you about feeling inferior or not interesting-that is what is holding me back. Like who cares about what I have to say? Who would be interested in my life? Hope to see you and Matt soon. It's been too long!

[Kyla]

Glad you're here! Try not to let the pressure creep in. It is tough to balance sometimes.

[inthefastlane]

For me, blog reading is not usually about the quality of the writing, although I have met some WONDERFUL authors who make me feel about the same as you. For me, blogging is about making connections and even "friendships" in that weird bloggy way. That all being said, I am so glad to see you writing again! And I don't think that you should at all feel inferior to anyone.

[Niksmom]

I can only echo the words of previous commenters. Who you are, what you bring to the "party" is vital and you bring it exactly the way you need and want to! There are no rules or expectations. Truly.

I often find myself feeling similarly about my own writing and my blog in particular. Have I run out of things to say? How to say things without violating Nik's privacy? Am I a good enough writer? Can I "keep up" with everybody?

It's enough to put me in a total tailspin. Then I remember that there are many voices in a chorus and each one has value and is necessary; without it, the piece would not be whole, complete.

Oh, and, ahem...have you scheduled that thing we've been talking about?? (Nag, nag, nag... ;-) ). Hugs, my friend. BIG hugs.

[kristen]

Yes, so happy to have you back--however and whenever you want to be here, writing whatever suits you at the time.

As Jordan said, our lives are richer for having you here, sharing bits and pieces of you, whatever strikes your fancy. I'm sorry you've felt so out of sorts. Don't let this become something big and awful in your life. Have fun, roll with it, write or don't write, but certainly, by all means, do not feel bad about it.

Sending big hugs... (and hey, if you hadn't started a blog, I never would have met you, and that's something I just don't want to think about. Ever. ;-) )

[floating in space]

I will be giving you a big hug today when I see you!

[Matthew]

At the end of the day isn't your blog supposed to be fun and something you enjoy doing, right? An outlet? Additional communal support. New friends. Shared interests. Not like cooking. If its' not fun and you don't enjoy doing it move on. Find something else. No one will think any less of you. Life is way too short and everyday brings enormous challenges and difficulties so we do not want the things that are supposed to make us happy place an additional drain on us as well. It's like the friend that is always taking emotionally but never giving anything back - ditch-em! You have said this before. If your blog has become that friend it's time to move on. If not then just start typing and more importantly, start typing to HAVE FUN! It's supposed to be fun, right?

[flutter]

I am glad you're here

[Jordan]

I for one am so happy you're back - in any capacity you'd like to be back. I wish for you a period of contentment, but whatever is going through your head will be read and appreciated here. Your voice is as important and interesting as anyone else's, that's what I want you to remember.

You wrote: "...my life is immensely richer for having started this blog." I hope you know that our lives are immensely richer for you having started this blog, too, and we'll take whatever you throw our way.

xoxo