Revoking Her Dr. License

My next door neighbor has 3 kids, twins, a boy and a girl, that are almost 7 and a younger girl, who is almost 4.  Q, the younger girl, always wants to play with Jane.  At first this seemed sweet and since Jane is typically the youngest, it was nice for her to have someone look up to her for a change (Q is 7 months younger).  This school year the twins are in first grade, and therefore, not around during the day anymore.  Q is lonely and wants someone to play with. 

Q knocks on our door several times a day looking for Jane.  She is often disappointed to learn that Jane is at school, dance class, her Grammy's, or with a friend.  In the beginning of the school year a full week went by where they did not get to play together.  My neighbor begged me to find time in Jane's schedule for her daughter.  "She only wants to play with Jane.  She just cries when she can't.  She's driving me crazy."

This sort of annoyed me.  Sure, I want them to be friends and all, but I started to feel like Jane was being stalked.  It is not my responsibility to entertain her child with mine.  We would pull up into the driveway and as soon as we got inside, the knock would come.  Most of the time Jane goes over to their house, because I figure, it is her kid who is doing the asking, I didn't decide for Jane to have her over here. 

Truth is, Q bugs me.  I know she is only three and I feel super guilty saying this (well, I did feel guilty, until today), but she pisses me off.  She doesn't like to talk to me, except when she wants something.  Then she seems perfectly capable of asking for a snack or a toy.  My initial concerns that she might have some sort of language processing problem or selective mutism have proven to be unfounded.  She simply chooses to stare at me if I ask her something she doesn't want to answer. 

Anyway, on Saturday she arrived at our door, per usually, just standing there, not asking to come in or anything.  When she does play at our house in the basement she tends to make a huge mess and not cleanup.  Then my kids get upset that they have to pick up after someone else.  So I decided to be better about making all visitors straighten up before they leave. 

I told Q that we had a new rule about cleaning up and that she couldn't play at our house unless she agreed to abide by it.  She stared at me.  "Say yes, Q," Jane prompted her.  Q locked eyes with me, not moving.  Now what was she going to do?  She wants to play with Jane but she doesn't want to have to talk to me.

It was a showdown.  I finally said, "I am sorry you can't agree to our rules, if you change your mind, you can come back, but for now you'll have to go home." 

I am so not the KoolAid mom.

I figured Jane would be all upset, but she didn't seem to care and went back to playing.

Today while I was trying to put some cream on the eczema patches on Jane's bottom, I found out why.  I told her to take off her pants so I could do it and she started crying, "I don't like when I have to show someone my private parts."

What?  The room started to spin.  I tried to stay calm and in a casual voice, asked, "did someone tell you to show them your private parts?"

"Q always tells me to pull down my pants and I tell her I don't want to but she makes me promise I will show her my private parts and I don't want to!"  

OK, I didn't want to overreact.  I know that kids play doctor and all that, but the thing was Jane was upset about this.  If she had said, "Q and I pull down our pants, isn't that silly?" it would be one thing, but she felt like she was being forced to do something she didn't want to.

"Did this happen once or more times?"

"She does it all the time, Mommy!  That's why I don't want to play with her anymore."

Wow.  Maybe she was blowing this out of proportion.  Was she just being dramatic because I seemed to be interested in what she was saying?

"Do you and Annie play like that?"

"No, we just take our clothes off to play dress up and doctor but we keep our underpants on and we don't show each other our private parts."

I knew I was treading in delicate waters.  I wanted her to know that she did the right thing by telling me, that she should always tell me things like this.  But I didn't want to freak her out, either.  We talked for awhile about how she never has to do something that she doesn't want to and that if she ever feels uncomfortable she can come right home or call me.  I told her she did the right thing by saying no to Q.  I also went over the whole concept of private parts being private.  At home there is a lot of running around naked and penis and vagina talk, but that's here (and we are trying to curb that anyway).

"How about I talk to Q's mom and make sure she doesn't do it anymore."

"No!  Then Q will be mad at me and make mean faces at me."

Nice.  A three year old bully lives next door.

And now I have to tell her mom without Jane knowing because I don't want her to be afraid to tell me things in the future.  I know her mom will be mortified, we are certainly friendly, and I am sure the whole thing will blow over soon enough.

But for now, I am kind of glad Q won't talk to me.  It makes it easy for me to send her home.

The follow up to this post is here, I promise.

Comments

[Jordan]

I was going to say exactly what MOM-NOS said, I'm very worried about that little girl. She's only 3! That's too young to be damned by anyone for being "bad" - she learned it somewhere and doesn't know what else to do except imitate it. And the fact that she's acting so weird around you is doubly concerning - the child has some real emotional issues going on. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do exactly what you've done, and I know you talked to her mom - you've done an incredible job with the whole thing. But there is a lot more to this for that little girl and I don't actually put any of the blame on her. She's too little.

[mom-nos]

I'm worried for Q. How does a 3-year-old come up with that? Who has been her role model in this? What has she experienced? How has she been victimized?

I am so, so, so glad that Jane talked to you and that you had the presence of mind to say all the right things in just the right way to her. I'm just afraid that Q has not had someone like you to turn to. I hope that her mother is receptive to what you have to say.

[Julie Pippert]

Ahhh.

BTDT.

We should trade stories. But I must do so privately.

Email me.

[Patty]

This is disturbing on a few levels, at least to me. First off, it would really bother me that the kid comes over all the time and won't even talk to me. That would just piss me off. It is like she is in a battle of the wills. Good for you for laying down the rules. It isn't fair to your kids that people who come over can make messes and not help clean up. And if the kid wants to play, she should agree to rules.

The whole private parts business is definitely upsetting. I am sure it will blow over, and like you said, I don't think it would be a big deal if she wasn't coercing your daughter into removing her clothes. Sorry you have to deal with this...

[floating in space]

Frightening. Any chance they will be moving?

It's a tremendous relief to know that Jane and Annie's play does not involve any of that stuff, but I guess it's time for us to have a similar talk.

[Niksmom]

This may be one of your most important posts EVER. Seriously. Little girls —and boys— everywhere edal with this to some degree or another. You just empowered some other mom somewhere to address a difficult topic she wasn't sure how to handle.

I can't wait to hear more about the outcome.
And, I've said it before, you can be really proud that you are raising Jane to be so in tune with what's okay and what's not. Good job, mama!

[kristen]

The stuff of nightmares. I wish you strength my friend in dealing with this quickly and aggressively. Lucky Jane, to have you. I think you handled it perfectly with her. I'm not sure I could have stayed so outwardly calm.

[lildb]

what a smug, little -- oh, i won't. she's not even four years old.

but you know i wanted to.

i'm glad you're not allowing her to play with her daughter anymore. she sounds perfectly horrid.