Mid-Life Crisis or Awakening?

I will be turning 40 in a few more months.  Most of my friends are already 40 or will also be celebrating (or mourning) this milestone birthday soon.  One of these friends is someone I have known since high school.  I hesitate to share this story because she does not know about this blog; however, it would be quite simple for her to find it if she were looking.  I am justifying telling this with the logic that those who know this person, I will call her Z., already know what I am going to share.  And those who don't know her, well, then it doesn't matter (a blogging dilemma I am choosing to ignore today).

Z. and I have been through the whole move back to our hometown, get married, have children cycle together.  She is someone who I have watched struggle with her relationship with her husband, have a difficult adjustment to motherhood, and battle weight issues for the last 10 years.

When I first moved back here, she and I would walk together and discuss our boyfriends.  She was living with her fiance and was excited to get married, buy a house, have children and get on with her life.  She had only one reservation about marrying this guy.  They had a serious problem with their sex life.

She confided that he had a low sex drive and they were seeing a therapist to work through this one issue.  Other than that, she was so happy with him.  I thought this sounded like a pretty hard thing to be OK with, but at this point in our lives, we were 30 years old and knew that there wasn't any perfect guy out there.  Every relationship has serious issues.  We talked about the therapy and about what seemed to work and the possibility of medication.

Nothing has changed over the years with their relationship.  No matter what she's tried to do, whether she's been fit or fat, happy or melancholy, left him alone or nagged him, the situation is exactly as it was before they got married.  She wants it, he doesn't, end of story.

Well, sort of, because as I am sure you can surmise, this creates tons of stress in their lives.  She feels unloved, he feels pestered, they question whether they should have gotten together in the first place.  But now that they have two kids, it is far more complicated.

Last fall, Z. and I talked about this, as we have off and on for years.  She seemed particularly frustrated and on the verge of getting divorced.  She and her husband had had a huge argument where he told her he was interested in sex, just not sex with her.  Ouch.  Exactly what she had been fearing all these years, but had tried to look past.  He didn't want to split up, though, because he felt they owed it to their children to stay together.  They had made this commitment.  She was devastated and conflicted, ready to call a lawyer.

But then she decided to do something else.  She decided to make herself happy first.  She hired a personal trainer, a nutritionist and an image consultant.  She started exercising.  She bought new clothes.  She went to the spa.  She made healthy meals for her family.   She even hosted a spa/dinner day/night out for all her friends.  Completely adopting the attitude that life does begin at 40.

And she feels fabulous and she looks it.  I've never seen her so confident and comfortable.  I couldn't be more proud of her.  She used to look around and wonder why she wasn't as happy as other people and now she wonders why those people aren't as happy as she is.  Quite a transformation.

We've discussed whether her husband might be gay or whether he would want to have an affair.  Matt thinks, as most guys would, that getting something with the woman that shares a bed with you has to be better than not getting any.  So something must be up.  I agree, but then when we talk, I think maybe  her husband has just decided that he can't have a supermodel so he is just going to shut that part of himself off.  At this point it is also hard to tell what is the original problem versus what is the result of so much built up tension.  Maybe he is so angry he can't get past it.

When Z. initially started talking about divorce, I tried to convince her not to.  I used to think divorce is a cop out.  Only an option if your spouse ends up to be an abuser or some kind of criminal.  Oprah does these shows about how to get divorced without messing up your kids and they break my heart.  These kids are so sad, so impacted, it seems like a terrible decision to make.  But I know plenty of people who have parents who are divorced and although they are affected, they aren't ruined.  And I know there is compelling evidence that staying married for the kids is actually a far more devastating situation.  The children know their parents are unhappy and wonder why they would stay married.

I  feel like Z. has awakened something in herself that says, this is my life, I am not going to waste any more of it.  For me, turning forty feels like this.  I don't care anymore what other people think.  I am more confident, stronger, more comfortable than I have ever been in my life.  I feel a zest for life that I haven't really experienced before.

I think, well, doesn't she deserve to be with a guy who digs her?  Who chases her around the house like everyone else's husbands?  Maybe they just made a terrible mistake marrying each other, should they be bound by that for eternity?

Or would that be irresponsible?  They knew what they were getting into and now they've created two little people who need them to be good role models.  Everybody has issues that they could deem worthy of splitting over.  They just tough it out anyway and decide that staying together is more important. 

Is she missing out on true love and happiness or is the grass not greener and all she'd end up with is a new guy with different problems and messed up kids?

So should she stay with her husband or not?  What would you do?
 

Comments

[Don Mills Diva]

What a heartbreaking story. I think she needs to leave the marriage and that is from soemone who believes very strongly that divorces screws up kids far more than we acknowledge and it must be a last resort. It doesn't sound like her husband is really open to changing - sad. Please keep us posted on what your friend does.

[MommyWithAttitude]

Oh and happy birthday soon. People who are content with their lives at milestones (30, 40, 50 etc.) seem to embrace the whole "life begins at [whatever age they are]" and people who struggle with getting older are often simply not where they wanted to be.

I have two more years to get where I want to be so I can sing life begins at forty. ;)

[MommyWithAttitude]

I'm with Matt. Healthy men don't just voluntarily live without sex -- if they're not coming home for it, they're probably getting it elsewhere. In this case it sounds like something other than an affair though -- gay, porn, prostitutes... something like that. And if I were her I would get the hell out now and find someone who loves me. It was a mistake for her to overlook it in the beginning but that doesn't mean she should have to spend the rest of her life being miserable. It's not weak to correct your mistakes and move forward -- it's courageous.

The kids part is hard -- hopefully he's an otherwise decent person and they can co-parent. To have divorced parents is different from our culture's ideal, but it's not morbidly devestating (those for whom it is have much bigger problems than their parents' divorce and probably use that as an excuse).

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

As usual, I am amazed at the depth of insight and understanding left in the comments here. Thank you all for sharing your experiences and offering advice. I will need to share this with my friend somehow! Hmm, something like, "I know this group of woman with varying backgrounds, experiences, and ages who are quite wise and thoughtful. They feel that ..."

theotherside - what a story! I am so glad for you that it all worked out and what inspiration for following your heart.

wishful mom - thanks for visiting SY, I appreciate your comment.

DemMom - well, most of my friends complain about being harassed (chased by) their husbands, like Laura said. You know, like their husbands always want it and they don't. Laura pretty much summed it up (thanks, Be-Yotchiful).

[Laura]

To DemMom: Yes, my husband totally chases me around the house. So much so that I sometimes don't wear certain clothing that I know he finds attractive on me. And I am not talking about plunging necklines or skin tight jeans, just regular clothes that he likes on me. It's annoying sometimes, but deep down, I consider myself lucky. Especially after reading this post.

[DemMom]

I have to ask: does everyone else's husband chase them around the house?

[kyra]

turning 40 was a very liberating experience for me!

as to your friend: i think she should opt for her greatest happiness. it takes two to make a marriage work. if her husband won't investigate what is keeping him distant in this way, they why should she shut down this very important part of her own life? if they were both okay with the sexless marriage, okay. but she's awakening to more and seems to need a partner with a similar dose of courage and depth. i hope he can rise (no pun intented!) to the challenge or graciously step aside and allow her to find someone who can, without causing undue hardship on the kids.

[delilah]

Z's awakening has been amazing to witness. Never before have I seen her so confident and healthy. She seems at peace with herself.

Clearly there are issues in the marriage that need to be resolved if their marriage is to be saved. However, if they've been through counseling before I'm not sure if that would be possible. Maybe he needs to see a therapist and figure out what is going on with himself.

If they are unable to solve the issues, staying married for the kids is not a good idea. Kids grow up and leave home.

[Laura]

Wow-that is really a shame. I really think it is important that she is happy and not settle. She should do what makes her happy, period.

I agree, I couldn't be happier,more confident, content now that I have turned 40. And it feels so good!! I could care less what people think too :)

[wishful mommy]

I think she should get a divorce. I really do. I think you only live once and everyone deserves to be happy. As for the kids, I think it is better to be from a broken home than in a broken home! I would encourage her to follow her heart. It is possible to have a civil divorce.

Glad to hear you are happy and feeling good, too. I just turned 39 and so have one more year, but I hope to have a big party next year! Happy Early Birthday!

[theotherside]

I can't tell your friend what to do -- no, there is no easy answer -- but I can tell you my experiece. Six months before turning 40, I finally had the courage to leave my marriage. On the surface, I had a great life. I was too private and ashamed to let people know that I had a loveless marriage, but it was quietly killing me. Like your friend, I spent about a year re-finding myself, gaining strength and self-esteem. As I neared 40, having pondered divorce for years but afraid to do it because of our 2 children, I felt a surge of strength and an unwavering sense that I could do this, that my girls would be OK and would want a life of happiness for me, that they -- we -- would survive intact, though with a few bruises. It was undoubtedly the right thing, though it has been hell at times. Behind my back, people suggest I must not be a good parent because I selfishly put my needs before my childrens' . . . all manner of things that are so maddening because they don't know me well enough to judge me. Damn them for questioning my love for my children, the two little beings who are the very center of my universe. Yes, my girls will be affected, but there is no doubt that they would have been negatively impacted had their parents remained married (as my ex was by his parents' loveless marriage). They actually have a better relationship with their dad now -- when we were married they sensed the coldness and divide, even as toddlers, and pulled away from him. Now they are much more open to him.

I am now in a wonderful relationship with a beautiful man who has taught me -- yes, after 40 -- what real love is and what it means to have a life partner. I cannot imagine having had a life without him, and I thank God everyday for the opportunity to have this second chance. He had his own failed marriage, though no one was more committed to the ideal. Sometimes good people just make the wrong choice. I am so tired of the suggestion that people who to try to right that wrong and end the cycle of unhappiness through divorce are necessarily weak or don't love their children. Many are so very, very strong and save themselves for their children rather than despite them. I am thankful that my children got to see me get strong; that they will never have the sadness of seeing me turn into a bitter old lady; that they will have the opportunity to see a strong, committed, loving marital relationship; that they will know as adults that their mom was happy.

[slouching mom]

that's so sad.

there is no perfect solution here. there's only the lesser of two evils. not knowing her (and him), i don't think i can say which is the worse option in their situation.

but you! i'm so happy that you're so happy at forty!

[tulipmom]

Oy. Have they tried marriage counseling? Like you said, at this point, the years of built up anger and resentment may be their primary obstacle.

Your take on 40 (and yours too Kristen) is very encouraging for this 36 year old.

[kristen]

Ouch. That's a tough one. But being on the far side of 40, myself, I have to say that the more important thing is choosing to be happy. If, in spite of her transformation, her new attitude, and her new self, your friend is still unhappy in her relationship, then I think it's important to explore why and whether or not it can be resolved. And if it can't be resolved...well. Happy is better. For everyone. Even the kids.

And, by the way, good for you!! Happy birthday and I like how you think. My life opened up in a fabulous way in my 40s. I'll be sad to see this decade end for me...(in 4 years).