Spinning Yellow

The Perfect Snow

We've been waiting for a snow day here.  Last year I promised Scott that there would be at least one good snow storm where he would have an official day off from school.  It never happened.  This year there hasn't even been a delayed opening, a highly anticipated event given that it would be Scott's first time experiencing the thrill of an unexpected shortened day.

The principal at Scott's school is retiring this year.  I do not know the man very well, but he gets mixed reviews and it does seem like it is time for someone new.  A week ago a notice came home announcing his replacement, a woman, and there has been speculation about what kind of changes she might bring with her.

When Scott came home from school on Thursday, he was talking about a possible snow storm brewing.  "If school is delayed, the principal cuts out recess time." 

"Oh, really, I guess that makes sense.  Who told you that?"

"My teacher.  She told us all about times when it snowed before."

After a brief silence, he asked,  "Mom, why can't that new principal start now?"

"Huh?  Well, usually principals start at the beginning of a school year to make the transition smoother.  What a minute.  I doubt the new person is going to let you have recess on a delayed opening day anymore than your current principal."

In the morning there were a few inches of snow on the ground and school was called off.  Hooray!  I expected all smiles from my boy and instead I got, "Great.  Now we have to make it up at the end of the year.  It will cut into my summer."

Leave it to Scott.  He really has a knack for finding the negative in every situation.

But the day turned out to be as good as it gets, really, as far as snow days are concerned.  Matt went out early and shoveled some then we all bundled up and went out to shovel and play.

I grew up in a snow skiing family.  I learned how to ski when I was five years old, snowplowing in front of my father.  My childhood is filled with very happy memories of being outside, gliding down the mountain, wriggling my toes to stay warm, and lunch with hot chocolate before heading back out in the cold.  My kids do not experience these same things as often as I did.

I couldn't help but notice as we were outside how ideal the conditions were.  The temperature was cool, but not too cold.  The snow was fluffy, wet enough for snow balls and snow man making, but not overly soggy or slushy.  I smiled to myself thinking of my mother describing the conditions as "peas and mashed potatoes" when the snow would get chunked up and then thick on a skiing day.  I knew that the melting layer on top would make for a crunchy cover the next day, or a thin layer of ice where the snow had not melted all the way.

We all shoveled and the kids made snow angels and rolled around.  After a long time we came in, changed our clothes, snuggled up and had hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows.  Late in the afternoon the kids went back out with Matt and made another snow man and sledded with the neighbors on their front yard hill.

When they came back, wet and tired, in it was almost time for dinner.  Matt made chili, Scott took a bath, and Jane watched a little TV.  We were all exhausted in that good way from lots of fresh air and activity. 

And all sound asleep early.  A fitting ending to our perfect snow day.

Runner's High

My friend (hi tac!) called this morning to quickly catch-up on her way to work.  She wanted to tell me that she had just read my last few posts and although she had things to say about them, she was most impressed with my sidebar item that showed I had run over 8 miles.

Oh, yeah, that, I thought.  After we got off the phone and I was getting ready to go for my scheduled run I realized how fast the voice inside my head put myself down.  That was 2 weeks ago and it was sooo hard.  I was unbearably slow.  Running is still so difficult.  Why am I not getting better at it? 

When I wrote my New Year's post about wanting to stop thinking about all that I wasn't doing, I really meant it.  I find this to be exceedingly difficult.  I tend to look at what I haven't done.  What I could be doing, but aren't.  All my failings.  While it might have seemed like I was trying to let myself off the hook, what I was really doing was attempting to quit whining and focusing on the negative.  I have written so much on this blog about what I should or need to be doing, I was boring and annoying myself.  Why must I be this way?

So, as I laced up my shoes and thought about where I was going to run, I tried to pump myself up.  OK, yes, it has been hard.  But she's right.  I did run 8 miles.  In a row.  No stopping.  Last year at this time I couldn't even run a mile.

I was going to run 4 miles even though my training schedule called for 6, but then I decided that it wasn't as cold as I had thought and since I had the opportunity to get the 6 miles done, I would go for it.  I put on my fast Nike Running mix music and headed out on my 6 mile run route.  I jog about a block, stretch a bit, and then head toward the park.  The park is about 2 miles away and has a mile and a half mile loop that I can go around.  This past weekend Matt joined me for my 6 mile taper off (also known as a recovery) week.  I was sick on Saturday and took it easy during the run, afraid to push myself, only tackling the big hill once.

But today I was fired up.  I ran fast.  And did the hill twice.  I thought about what I've already accomplished.  How hard running can still be.  About the days when I feel like I am slogging through jell-o or my shins feel like they will break in half like toothpicks on each impact.  How I now know about aching calves and sore knees.  About my bra chafing incident that left me with a bloody rash around my midriff.

On my way home I passed an older man who I have seen before.  He usually waves a little hello.  I took my ear bud off and said, "You always see me on my way back when I am dying!"  He shook his fist in the air and said, "Keep going, you're almost there!"

I decided to run even faster for that last quarter mile home, spurred on by his cheer.  I made it to my corner with a big smile and checked my iPod.  The moment of truth:   One hour, two minutes, 6.28 miles, 9:56 per mile, the voice read me my stats.  Six miles at less than ten minute miles!  A new record for me!

After I cooled off a little, stretched and had a drink, I went upstairs to take a shower.  I glanced at the scale, questioning whether I should look for another victory.  I am not running to lose weight or even to get in shape particularly, even though both would be added bonuses.  My primary goal with the running is to push myself to do something I never dreamed that I could.  I have been fit before from strength training and walking.  The numbers on the scale have fluctuated for years, even before having kids and it has never been something I get too worked up about.

I know that muscle weighs more than fat and when you exercise, the scale doesn't always reflect your progress accurately.  Still.  I had promised myself I'd only weigh in on the first of the month so that I would only see success.  The number on the scale was exactly the same on February first as it was on January first.  How could that be?  I was running regularly.  Burning a lot of calories.  But the scale hadn't budged.

Today I decided to break my pact and step on that damn thing.  Three pounds lighter!  Maybe it was all sweat and water lost.  I don't care.  I feel triumphant anyway.

Usually I think that running is kicking my ass.  Today I think I gave it a little run for it's money.  I will be running 8 miles this weekend to start a ramp up/build phase again.  I know it will continue to be difficult with good days and not-so-good.  But I will remember today, when suddenly running 6 miles seemed like no big deal.  When I thought about what I had already done instead of what I hadn't.  And how that made all the difference.

Dear Manic Mommies

Hi Erin and Kristin -

I've been a loyal listener for over a year now, since right after Christmas 2006 when I received my iPod Nano.  I even went back and caught up on all your archives, initially.  I love, love, love your podcast!  Every week I find myself wanting to respond to something you've said, whether it is how hard I laughed about Kristin telling her husband she dented his car, or how I could empathize about hearing that your Kindergarten kids are the worst behaved bus riders the seasoned driver has ever encountered.  Even though I am a SAHM, I relate to most of what you say.  And I particularly like your "we're all in this together" attitude which you maintain even while sharing your opinions or advice.

You may remember me as the person who won the Wii last year.  My son often tells people that I won it in a contest by a "mommy" podcast.  Usually people have no idea what a podcast is so they just nod their heads.  They don't know what the are missing!!  And the Wii has totally improved our life, so thank you again.

Even though I enjoy your podcasts and have much to add to each one, I rarely call or write in.  But this week I could not keep silent!  You hit on not one, but two, of my big issues.  Holding kids back for Kindergarten and Day Care Centers.  In fact, I even suggested you do a show on the whole red-shirting thing, sometime last year.  My parents owned a Day Care School for 15 years and I worked there for the last 3 years.  My mother has taught preschool through second grade students and is a strong advocate for holding children back.  I am pretty opinionated on these two subjects and I feel like I know you two (even though I don't) so since you asked for advice I am going to give it.  I hope it helps.

The Kindergarten situation

Anders

As you have indicated, I think you have to hold him back, or give him a grow year, or repeat Kindergarten, or whatever you want to call it.  Do not think that you made the wrong decision by sending him to Kindergarten, though.  He is learning a ton and will feel that much more comfortable and confident with the school and the teacher when he attends next year.  Even though he has been out of the house since he was young, a day care center environment is very different from the public school and many kids need more time to get used to it.  Because Anders had already graduated from his preschool, it only made sense for him to attend Kindergarten.  I agree with his teacher's assessment that based on his current academic standing and his emotional sensitivity that he needs another year to "cook".  Also, statistics do show that kids who start out behind tend to remain playing catch-up, but that is not always the case.

My sister has a fall birthday and to this day both she and my mother feel that they made a mistake by not holding her back.  She has always struggled with reading and has never been a confident student.  In addition, she was always younger than her classmates which meant that she did everything later and felt left out.  Her son, who is now 10, has a July birthday.  He is small for his age and based on her experience and his teachers recommendations, she had him repeat Kindergarten.  He is now excelling in fourth grade and still has friends in the fifth grade along with his classmates. 

As for telling him, I would suggested framing it as an opportunity (I know you already know this).  He will be able to be like his rock star girl friend who knows everything.  Instead of being the last to do things, he will be the first.  If he wants to play sports, he will be the older, stronger, bigger kid, and have an advantage.  He may be mad, but he will get over it.  Remember, he is still relatively young and years from now he will thank you.  I promise!   The hardest part is that he is such good friends with Tommy.  My son, Scott, has friends who are in the class ahead and behind his and it is great to widen their circle.  Plus Tommy can give him a heads up on all the things he will be doing next.

Now, this is important (because I said I was going to give you my opinions as if I know you):  Go get the book Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons.  In the beginning of the school year, this fall, start the lessons.  Anders will be a little bored with school because Kindergarten starts out slow.  But this will give him something to work on and he will be reading, I guarantee, by Christmas.  He will feel so happy and successful.  Everything will be perfect!  OK, I am getting a little carried away, but seriously, it is a fabulous program, only takes 10 - 20 minutes per day and is so worth it (you could do it after dinner each night).  Scott is an excellent reader, two grade levels ahead, and I credit a lot of it with doing this program.  I do not think that he would have learned how to read the way they teach it in school.  Being a strong reader is an important building block for all other subjects.  Think about it.  When the teacher puts something up on the board and all the other kids are trying to remember what she said, Anders will be able to read it.  He will be a superstar.  (Not that he isn't already, but you know what I mean).

Tommy

Where I live, in PA, holding kids back for behavior is pretty standard.  Although I agree that Anders should be held back, I think Tommy's situation is completely different.  Tommy seems to be similar to my son.  Scott was a serious behavior problem back in preschool and was diagnosed with a condition called Sensory Processing Disorder (you can read more about our story here, if you want).  At the time of his diagnosis there was much discussion as to whether he should do a grow year.  I looked into programs and had him evaluated several times.  We stressed about whether he could handle the Kindergarten environment given his lack of self control and out-of-bounds behavior. 

The term immature came up several times but I always found this confusing and an inadequate description.  Although he had trouble controlling himself in a group of kids, he was very mature with grown-ups.  He could discuss complicated topics and sit still for a long time.  I learned that it was the structure of the classroom that mostly did him in (that and the fact that he needed OT for some of his issues).

We were seeing a psychologist at the time and she urged us to have him attend Kindergarten on schedule.  Her opinion was that he needed a structured environment which challenged him academically.  She also pointed out that Scott needed appropriate role models in the form of older, more in control classmates.  If the other kids were being silly or acting out, he would follow right along, but when he was with older children, he would be less inclined to do those things.  She was right on the money.  And although there have been some blips along the way, I am so glad that we didn't keep him back.  He received all S's and +'s on his current report card, even in the work habits/behavior area.

Aside from the SPD, Tommy reminds me of Scott.  You should ask for a meeting with the school, not just send a letter, to discuss his continued success.  Just like you, they want him to do well and do not want him to require some sort of discipline plan. (As an aside there has been research conducted that shows that kids who are difficult early in their academic careers do not end up trouble makers all their lives.  He is not doomed to a life of being the bad kid!).  He needs a strong teacher who will not only make the rules and following them clear, but will also challenge him academically.  Also, if he can be tested for an enrichment (gifted) type of program, you may want to consider it.

The right teacher is very important, as is the structure of the classroom.  I would suggest that the teacher find stuff for Tommy to do to keep him busy.  He is calling out because he is bored and the work is too easy.  He is looking for attention.  That is what I think.  He will also be a superstar when he is given the opportunity to shine.  (Of course he already is, but you know what I mean).

Day Care

You asked how people handle issues they might have at their day care center.  I am going to offer the other side, the administrator perspective.

First and foremost, treat everyone at the day care center as well as you would your coworkers.  I know this sounds like common sense, but all too often, customers would talk down to the teachers and assistants as if they were no better than a teenage babysitter.  These people are taking care of your children, treat them kindly, show them respect, act appreciative. 

This goes for the administration as well.  Pay on time.  Don't show up late (and if you do, apologize profusely and pay whatever fee is applicable).  Day care centers spell out all their rules ahead of time.  You are not going to change them.  If you don't like them, you can say so, but don't expect the center to change.  You have a choice, they do not have to accommodate you.  Owning and operating a day care is a very difficult endeavor.  Although it seems like you are paying a lot of money, there is very little to go around once the large payroll, rent, insurance and other bills are paid.  The employees do not make much money, but are expected to care for children which can often be quite trying and stressful.

That said, if you already have a relationship with the school administrators, it is fair for you to ask for specific changes, or discuss issues, just like you would at a job.  Are you going to gripe the first week of a new job?  Of course not.  But you might ask your boss for something after you've proven your track record as a good employee.  And whatever it is that you might be asking about, do it in a professional, courteous manner.  This is true for anything, but for some reason it needs to be reiterated in the world of childcare.

Also, do not gossip with the day care employees.  Do not put them in a position to either talk about another child, a teacher, or the administration.  Same as it goes at work.  Talk to a teacher first, before you go over their head, but realize that they are trying to meet everyone's demands as well as follow their boss' rules, so be reasonable.  For the most part, people who work in day cares like little kids, there are plenty of other easier and better paying jobs that they could have. 

My mother and I used to joke that there were 3 kinds of day care parents:

1.  The people who were so glad that you were taking care of their children.  They would thank us all the time saying, "better you than me" and were happy to go to work knowing that their kids were well taken care of.  They had reasonable expectations and knew that they could not control everything, but felt that overall, the arrangement was positive.  They liked that their kids were with other children, could play outside on the playground, do art projects, etc.  Their motto:  Thank god you are here.

2.  The  people who were resentful that they had to go to work when they really wanted to stay home.  They were unhappy with the cost of the tuition, thought that they weren't getting enough for their money, felt that the owners must be getting rich off of their misfortune, and wished that they could afford a nanny so that they felt more in control.  They would grunt at us when they came in and out, barely read any newsletters, and often complained.  Their motto:  I am miserable and so should every one else be.

3.  The people that were paranoid that they were ruining their children by putting them in day care and were looking all the time for some kind of breech in conduct by an employee.  They questioned every time a child or teacher moved from one class to another or a family or teacher left the school.  They hung out way too long every morning and afternoon, afraid they might miss picking up some vital information that would prove their suspicions were justified.  Their motto:  Day care is evil and not to be trusted.

Obviously, the first people were the ones who had the best experience!

Wow, that was an earful, right?!  Anyway, I am sure it will all work out with the Kindergarten/First Grade thing and I hope I was able to provide some insight into the day care world.

Keep up the great podcasts!  I look forward to them and to your blog posts each week.

Your friend and fellow mommy,

Lori at Spinning Yellow

Mid-Life Crisis or Awakening?

I will be turning 40 in a few more months.  Most of my friends are already 40 or will also be celebrating (or mourning) this milestone birthday soon.  One of these friends is someone I have known since high school.  I hesitate to share this story because she does not know about this blog; however, it would be quite simple for her to find it if she were looking.  I am justifying telling this with the logic that those who know this person, I will call her Z., already know what I am going to share.  And those who don't know her, well, then it doesn't matter (a blogging dilemma I am choosing to ignore today).

Z. and I have been through the whole move back to our hometown, get married, have children cycle together.  She is someone who I have watched struggle with her relationship with her husband, have a difficult adjustment to motherhood, and battle weight issues for the last 10 years.

When I first moved back here, she and I would walk together and discuss our boyfriends.  She was living with her fiance and was excited to get married, buy a house, have children and get on with her life.  She had only one reservation about marrying this guy.  They had a serious problem with their sex life.

She confided that he had a low sex drive and they were seeing a therapist to work through this one issue.  Other than that, she was so happy with him.  I thought this sounded like a pretty hard thing to be OK with, but at this point in our lives, we were 30 years old and knew that there wasn't any perfect guy out there.  Every relationship has serious issues.  We talked about the therapy and about what seemed to work and the possibility of medication.

Nothing has changed over the years with their relationship.  No matter what she's tried to do, whether she's been fit or fat, happy or melancholy, left him alone or nagged him, the situation is exactly as it was before they got married.  She wants it, he doesn't, end of story.

Well, sort of, because as I am sure you can surmise, this creates tons of stress in their lives.  She feels unloved, he feels pestered, they question whether they should have gotten together in the first place.  But now that they have two kids, it is far more complicated.

Last fall, Z. and I talked about this, as we have off and on for years.  She seemed particularly frustrated and on the verge of getting divorced.  She and her husband had had a huge argument where he told her he was interested in sex, just not sex with her.  Ouch.  Exactly what she had been fearing all these years, but had tried to look past.  He didn't want to split up, though, because he felt they owed it to their children to stay together.  They had made this commitment.  She was devastated and conflicted, ready to call a lawyer.

But then she decided to do something else.  She decided to make herself happy first.  She hired a personal trainer, a nutritionist and an image consultant.  She started exercising.  She bought new clothes.  She went to the spa.  She made healthy meals for her family.   She even hosted a spa/dinner day/night out for all her friends.  Completely adopting the attitude that life does begin at 40.

And she feels fabulous and she looks it.  I've never seen her so confident and comfortable.  I couldn't be more proud of her.  She used to look around and wonder why she wasn't as happy as other people and now she wonders why those people aren't as happy as she is.  Quite a transformation.

We've discussed whether her husband might be gay or whether he would want to have an affair.  Matt thinks, as most guys would, that getting something with the woman that shares a bed with you has to be better than not getting any.  So something must be up.  I agree, but then when we talk, I think maybe  her husband has just decided that he can't have a supermodel so he is just going to shut that part of himself off.  At this point it is also hard to tell what is the original problem versus what is the result of so much built up tension.  Maybe he is so angry he can't get past it.

When Z. initially started talking about divorce, I tried to convince her not to.  I used to think divorce is a cop out.  Only an option if your spouse ends up to be an abuser or some kind of criminal.  Oprah does these shows about how to get divorced without messing up your kids and they break my heart.  These kids are so sad, so impacted, it seems like a terrible decision to make.  But I know plenty of people who have parents who are divorced and although they are affected, they aren't ruined.  And I know there is compelling evidence that staying married for the kids is actually a far more devastating situation.  The children know their parents are unhappy and wonder why they would stay married.

I  feel like Z. has awakened something in herself that says, this is my life, I am not going to waste any more of it.  For me, turning forty feels like this.  I don't care anymore what other people think.  I am more confident, stronger, more comfortable than I have ever been in my life.  I feel a zest for life that I haven't really experienced before.

I think, well, doesn't she deserve to be with a guy who digs her?  Who chases her around the house like everyone else's husbands?  Maybe they just made a terrible mistake marrying each other, should they be bound by that for eternity?

Or would that be irresponsible?  They knew what they were getting into and now they've created two little people who need them to be good role models.  Everybody has issues that they could deem worthy of splitting over.  They just tough it out anyway and decide that staying together is more important. 

Is she missing out on true love and happiness or is the grass not greener and all she'd end up with is a new guy with different problems and messed up kids?

So should she stay with her husband or not?  What would you do?
 

Triple Run Around Day

Scott has been sick.  It is the same thing that everyone seems to be having.  A cold.  A nagging cough.  Maybe it turns into croup or an ear infection or a sinus infection.  Or all of those things, which is the case for Scott.   Or a full-blown throwing up flu, like Matt had.  Then it just goes back to the cough that will never go away.

This is an unusual thing for the healthy boy.  He almost never gets sick.  Jane doesn't get sick much either, even though she has asthma.  We don't do a lot of doctor visits or antibiotics.

So, as I am sure you can imagine, when Scott is sick he has a difficult time with it.  I remember the first time he got sick, it was around this time of the year when he was not quite 2.  It was when he finally watched an entire 25 minute TV program.  Blues Clues.  He called it "Boo's coos" which sounded a lot like "Booze Cruise".  Friends called and sympathized, "Taking care of sick kids is the worst.  They are so miserable."  Funny, I didn't feel that way.  I was actually enjoying this reprieve from his constant activity.  He was sitting still!  Watching the TV for more than a few minutes!  I took a shower!

It is hard to remember those days now.  Scott seems so mature lately.  He is doing so well.  In school and with basketball.  And even at home, getting along with his sister and helping out.

But the sickness thing is slowing him down.  Last weekend he complained that his ear hurt and I promptly hauled him, kicking and screaming, to the doctor.  Then he decided to stay home and miss his basketball game because he felt so tired and his chest hurt.  He has been quiet this week.  Afraid that he will feel lousy.  "When will I ever be better?" he keeps asking.

Last night he coughed so much that he woke up and I had to give him medicine a 2:30am.  This morning though, he perked up a bit.  A big smile crossed his face as he looked at the clothes I had laid out for him, sweat pants and a t-shirt for gym class.

"Today is Triple Run Around Day!" 

"Huh?  Are you doing something special in gym?"

"No.  It's just that I have gym and recess and basketball practice.  All on the same day."

A trifecta of activity.  I think he might be finally feeling like himself again.

** I, on the other hand, was dreading my scheduled 6 mile run, but I did do it.  I thought about how much he likes to run while I toiled away, willing myself to take each step.  I still don't feel like I am myself.  I am going to jump back on the blogging train and attempt to write my way out of my funk.  Because you never know what tomorrow might hold with a boy who is off and running again and the possibility of something as exciting as Triple Run Around Day.

Thanks to everyone who has been wondering where I've been.  It is nice to feel missed and I am sorry for being out of touch.  I will be posting updates on all sorts of things.  I hope we are still friends.  'kay?