It's a Brand New Day

I was going to title this:  No Heartbeat.  But I didn't want to make everyone immediately feel sorry for me.  That is NOT how I feel.  It is true, however, that the tiny baby in my belly does not have a heartbeat.  This was confirmed this morning at my 8.5 week ultrasound.  I say "confirmed" because I knew this was the case.  What I haven't been writing about here is that although I was tired and I had some general pregnancy symptoms, I was not sick.  And I just knew that this wasn't right.

When I was pregnant with Scott I was so ill by week 6 that I could barely get around.  Same thing with Jane.  And then this time, well, some funky appetite stuff, and initially I felt pretty awful, but then it stopped.  I never felt nauseous like I had in the past.

When I went in today, I told the ultrasound technician that I was concerned so she right away told me that the sack and embryo were there but that the fetus wasn't big enough for its age.  Then she searched and looked closer and tried to find a heartbeat, to no avail.

I am sad.

But I am not devastated.

In the waiting room there were very pregnant women, waiting for one test or another.  I could feel their anxiety.  I remembered coming to this same prenatal testing site every other day toward the end of my pregnancy with Scott.  The stress was unbelievable.  I absolutely hate being pregnant.  Not only because I feel like crap, but because there are so many unknowns, so many things you have no control over.

So I looked at those ladies and I reminded myself that I have two wonderful children already.  A boy who has stolen my heart and a girl who has reminded me how joyful life can be.

And I felt lucky.  So very fortunate for what I have.

Matt is on a train to Connecticut, hoping to find a job that will not require us to move.  His last day of work at his own company was yesterday.  He feels a little lost without a job.

I think we are finding our way, though.  Right back to where we were all along.

And in the spirit of moving forward, I am accepting the National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo) challenge.  I know!  Me, who can barely post once a week is committing to posting every. day. this month.

Goals are good, though, so check back here daily.  I will be putting out some things I've been afraid to post.  Stuff I've already written and things I've been meaning to do.  By the end of the month you will be so sick of reading cute stories about my kids and about what I think about everything that you will probably never want to come back here again.

But I hope you do because I am grateful for your friendship.  This is what will help me.  The writing.  The community.  Like a ball rolling down hill, I will be gaining strength with each post.  If you have any ideas or suggestions for what to write about, tell me here or e-mail me.

Thanks for helping me and coming along.

I really am OK.  I promise.  I would never lie here.

Comments

[Chaithra]

Wait, what?How did THAT comparison come about? I would say fail, but if he is annithyg like my husband, he probably meant something incredibly sweet and wonderful and it just came out stupidly. So maybe good?!?

[mom2rebels]

I just found your blog through Niksmom's blog...Sorry about the baby, I miscarried early on a few years ago...and even that early, it's still a difficult thing to go through.
I enjoyed your blog and I'm sure I'll be back!

[tulipmom]

I'm not sure why I'm having such a hard time commenting. This is my third attempt in the past couple of days to let you know I'm thinking of you and so sorry for your loss.

[Barb Laurenson]

I am so sorry to hear the news. I was just thinking about you today and wondering what it would be like to go for a third. I couldn't decide if it would fantastic or horrific. I love your comment about the two amazing children you already have. My thoughts are with you!

[Dee]

We've spoken, but again I want to say that I am sorry to hear your news. You had already prepared yourself since you knew things weren't right, but it doesn't make it any easier. Nothing that anyone can say will be able to pinpoint exactly how you are feeling about everything at this point in time, whether it be sad or angry or OK, but you have people that you can turn to if you need to.

[Oh, The Joys]

Oh, Lori. I'm sorry. (((you)))

xo,
OTJ

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

From my friend Laura:

Lori-
I just got off of the phone with you and I am relieved to hear how well you are handling this. Sometimes life sends us reminders and it really puts things into perspective whether it be via good news, bad news, a series of unfortunate events, etc. It wasn't meant to be and it happened. You are so level-headed and I am sure this is what you're thinking also.

Congratulations to Matt-some good news for you all and well-deserved for sure.

Much love and friendship to you all!

[kristen]

Oh Lori, I am so sorry to hear your sad news. Is it okay that I shed a few tears while reading this?

You write so beautifully, so hopefully about what's happened--I hope you feel safe enough here to share all your feelings, even the sad and angry ones.

I think Niksmom said it best: you have lots of loving readers and we're here to read and support you in whatever you choose to share with us.

(Good luck to Matt on the Connecticut job!! Fingers and toes crossed over here...)

[Delilah]

Lori,
I'm so sorry to hear about your sad news. Take care of yourself and know that we're thinking of you.

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

From Niksmom

Lori, I am so sorry to hear the news. It probably doesn't help any to know that you are not alone in your experience. I heard an interview on NPR today about a book written by a psychiatrist who had been stationed at a combat hospital in Iraq. She said it's very therapeutic to write about the experiences which are difficult. You know that you have tons of loving readers who are here to read your story if you choose to share it...or whatever you choose to share.

Looking forward to your daily posts.

Sending you lots of love and hugs.
Niksmom

[Jordan Sadler]

Oh, Lori, I'm so sad for you. My thoughts are with you.

I can't wait to read what you have to say this month and will look forward to all these posts!

Take care of yourself.

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

From my friend tac:

I'm so sorry for you and Matt, but you hang in there and make sure to feel however you want whenever you want.
Love you!

[slouching mom]

I'm so sorry, Lori. I know you'll handle it beautifully -- you already are.

Still. My thoughts are with you and Matt right now.

xxoo