But it all went awry. It is my husband's birthday today. He is 39, a whole half year younger than me. I was crafting his birthday post yesterday while I took Jane to dance class. I was piecing it together while I paid bills and cleaned up the house. And I tweaked it more while I went on a two and a half hour grocery trip (traffic and multiple potty trips slowed us down).
Then the mad frenzy of Scott getting home from school; putting groceries away; overseeing homework; making, eating and cleaning up dinner; melded into putting the kids to bed and well I didn't have it in me to type up what I had been working on inside my head all day.
And today I have been sad.
I went to the doctor for a follow-up visit. She asked if I was OK and I said yes. While we were talking and she was making sure I was physically fine, she said, "do you want to try again?" I said I didn't know and then I started crying. I continued to cry as the nurse checked my pee and quietly said, "it's negative, you aren't pregnant anymore." I cried while I picked up a coffee for Matt at Starbucks on my way home. I just kept on sobbing. I read posts that made me cry more. I just couldn't shake the sadness.
I thought about running as Jane was busy at her friend's house, but that meant I'd have to take another shower and I loathe doing that, especially in the winter.
At some point I realized that I wanted to be upset. I finally felt like it was over and that I could be sad for what won't be.
I still feel very grateful. I see and read about such awful pain that people endure. I feel that this experience of mine pales in comparison. But it still stings. Today I let it hurt. The tears kept coming and it felt right and justified. For myself and for anyone who has ever had to let go. To lose something they weren't even sure they wanted to begin with.
I think I will feel better tomorrow. I needed today.
Lori I'm glad you're feeling better now. You're entitled to feel and let out your own pain, whether or not you perceive it to be as great as anyone else's.
Posted by: MommyWithAttitude | December 11, 2007 at 01:01 AM
Oops, that should have said "palpable"...
Posted by: Niksmom | December 01, 2007 at 08:17 AM
Lori, I'm glad you let yourself feel the pain without trying to mask it. It's real, it is part of the fabric of who you are. Thought it won't always be palpale, it will be part of you, your story. Honor it. xxoo
Posted by: Niksmom | December 01, 2007 at 08:16 AM
Sending you a hug, Lori.
Posted by: kristen | November 30, 2007 at 01:27 PM
Oh and Cyndi, my friends and I used to joke that you always have to get your hair cut after you break up with a guy!! Something you can control and also a nice change. Great idea!!
Posted by: Lori at Spinning Yellow | November 30, 2007 at 11:22 AM
I feel much better today, thank you everyone.
Dee - yes a girl's night out sounds great!!
tulipmom - that is it. The need to just feel the pain. I think it helped that I was not responsible for any children for a few hours so I could wallow a little. Kind of reminded me of my teenage days of putting on sad music and just sobbing for hours. Afterward I felt so much better, like I owed it to myself to feel it fully.
Posted by: Lori at Spinning Yellow | November 30, 2007 at 11:20 AM
From my friend, tac:
Oh Lori, I'm crying right along with you.
Posted by: Lori at Spinning Yellow | November 30, 2007 at 11:15 AM
It sounds like you needed to pause and just feel the pain. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Sending lots of hugs.
Posted by: tulipmom | November 30, 2007 at 09:50 AM
Take care, Lori! My heart breaks for you. Healing takes time. I think a girls' weekend of pampering could help...
Posted by: dee | November 30, 2007 at 08:56 AM
You suffered a loss and have every right to mourn that loss. Take care of yourself, my friend. I will be thinking of you.
Posted by: delilah | November 30, 2007 at 08:18 AM
Lori-feel sad, you've earned it my friend. I agree w/Cyndi-you seem to have handled it all too well. Yesterday was your day to feel it; today feel better. Hugs to you......
Posted by: Laura | November 30, 2007 at 06:35 AM
Honestly Lori, you seemed to be handling things too well. Allow yourself to feel how you feel, it may come and go over the next week or months or tomorrow you may feel just fine and that'll be it. I cut my hair short after a miscarriage, somehow that helped me, perhaps it was something I could control.
And all I did was whine about myself when we spoke earlier, how crappy of me!
Posted by: Cyndi | November 29, 2007 at 11:37 PM
Good for you, Lori. Let it go when you're ready and let yourself feel sad. I'm sorry.
Posted by: Jordan | November 29, 2007 at 11:13 PM
hugs to you, friend.
Posted by: slouching mom | November 29, 2007 at 10:44 PM