The Reality of School

Today was the start of Parent Observation Week at Scott's school.  While Jane played at her good friend Annie's house, I went in to see what the hell goes on Scott does while he is at school.  I am not sure if it was particularly eye-opening, but I did gain a little bit of insight.

I arrived while the class was sitting on the rug in the back of the room doing some kind of share-something-about-your weekend activity.  I watched as the teacher called on each child who had their hand raised and listened intently to what they had to say.  She was fully engaged and interested in each child.  She asked them questions and spoke kindly to the child if they were upset about something (my soccer team lost!  I hurt my foot!).  She told the children that they did not have to share if they did not want to and also reminded them that it was perfectly fine to say, "I just hung out at my house with my family."  There was no requirement to one-up each other as kids this age tend to do.

I was happy that I arrived in time to hear Scott tell her about his weekend.  How his Aunt and Uncle from California visited with his two cousins.  The teacher said, oh that must have been special, I bet you don't get to see them a lot.  And she was absolutely right.  In fact, Scott had been crying ever since they left the night before.  He was so sad that he will not see them again for awhile.

I liked that each child was given an opportunity to share and that the kids seemed genuinely interested in listening to their peers.  I could sense that the group of children cared about each other.  This is important for Scott, who does not have many friends and often feels uncomfortable with kids his own age.

Next up was a looonng math activity.  It started with the kids sitting at their desks while the teacher told them what materials to take out (their white board, easer, markers, coins, and math box).  I'd estimate that 50% of the class was able to do this without any trouble.  The other half of the class had one issue or another to a varying degree.  They couldn't find the stuff or they couldn't arrange the necessary items on top of their desk.  The teacher reminded them that they could ask to borrow something or they could look around the room to find what they needed, but they had to be ready quickly.  I felt Scott's anxiety as the activity started and he still hadn't gotten his things in order.

It was all I could do to sit quietly in my seat and not get up and help him.

The teacher arranged a nickel and 11 pennies on an overhead projector and instructed the children to write the amount on their white boards.  Fine.  But then she had to go around the room and check each child's work, correcting as she went.  I think she is a good teacher, but as the activity went on, I felt that the pace was excruciatingly slow.  The next task was to replicate the coins that she had and then to exchange the current money for fewer coins.  The tasks were valid, but boring, and I couldn't help but wonder if the children who didn't understand were any further ahead afterward.

And it was then that the reality of school really sunk in.  I know I sort of joke about homeschooling Scott.  I have such respect and admiration for people like This Mom who do this and do it so well.  I love teaching Scott and having discussions with him about anything.  The other day we talked about the prefix "omni" and tried to come up with silly words like "omni-sports-athlete".  I know he could learn a whole lot more in the hour I was at his school if he were home and moving at a different pace.  We could also concentrate on some of the things he has trouble with, like writing, without any pressure to get it done quickly.

But where I would fail is with making him be more independent and confident in a group.

He needs to learn how to get by without me.  This is painful to realize because I feel I am sacrificing his intellectual potential for more social competence.  Am I right?  The ideal situation would be for him to attend school for 3 or 4 hours and then be able to come home or do more challenging work in a small group.  But I also wish there was a debrief of sorts about his day.  Like, if I knew about the desk problem, I could suggest he make a list of what goes on each side and in what order so that he could find the items and stay organized.  Is this too minuscule of an issue to bring up?

I started to wonder whether I should have stayed home.  I knew Scott was happy I was there, but was I?

After the math lesson came a story about the girl who was Star of the Week.  The children asked her questions and the teacher wrote up sentences on a big piece of paper behind her.   When Scott was called on, he asked a question that had already been asked.  His teacher smiled and said she got a point, making a big deal out of putting a tally mark on the board.  Apparently, this is her way of emphasizing the importance of paying attention.  Scott didn't look too bothered by it, but I felt my school issues come flooding back.  I would have hated this as a child and probably wouldn't have wanted to raise my hand for fear of messing up and letting the class down.

I had a flashback to learning times tables in fifth (I think) grade.  Our teacher would play a game called Round-the-World where two children would stand up and try to answer a flashcard with a math problem.  Whoever answered got to stay standing up and the next child would get up to challenge them.  I never stood up for more than one question.  Never.  Even if I knew the answer, I wasn't confident enough to yell it out.  When I came home in tears, my mom sat with me night after night with flashcards until I finally learned my times tables.  If she had not done this, I would have never learned them.  The teaching method in school was completely ineffective for me.

Public school has to teach to the masses.  I am sure some schools and teachers are much better than others.  A friend of mine once said, "wouldn't it be great if each child had an IEP (Individualized Education Program) and the teachers had to accommodate it."  That would be fabulous but is completely unrealistic.  You can only expect so much.

Finally, finally, the teacher said, "You've been sitting on your heinies for too long.  It's time for snack."

And with that, I said goodbye to Scott and quickly made my exit.

Comments

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

From This Mom, who is having typepad problems (OK, I am really getting fed up, she uses typepad on her own blog!!):

the issues of socialization and homeschooling has always been a hot spot--those who don't homeschool often mention it as the main reason they don't believe in homeschooling and yet there are many many children who's experience of the 'social' world in school was confusing, painful, humiliating, and even terrorizing! unfortunately, classrooms are too often places where the emphasis is on controlling the group and that means a lot of waiting for most and worry for some (who are making the others wait). for me, the bottom line is, being around other children will help a child socialize (in a healthy group setting) if that child is able to take in all the sensory information and stay relatively calm and open, therefore, ABLE to learn. one can't learn when one is feeling threatened. sounds like scott's thriving in that way, meeting the challenge, feeling successful and proud of himself and that's wonderful! as to the intellectual challenge, don't underestimate all the silly fun games you play with him--they are all seeping in and helping to shape and strengthen his mind!

xx!
kyra

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

Thanks for all the great information!

I do want to look into a few things, but for the most part, I agree with SM and tac, that this year might be more about just functioning better socially. I know I need to discuss this more with his teacher. I think what gets me the most is that he seems to be there for such a long time that there isn't any time at home to augment like there was last year.

Just an aside, today as the bus pulled up in the morning I noticed that Scott's shorts were on backwards. I quietly told him and as he started to panic ("That's bad! Bad!"), I told him to ask to go to the bathroom when he got to school and put them on right. He got on the bus fine and came home with his pants fixed.

This might seem minor to some people but to me THIS is what it is all about. He handled the situation himself and didn't let it ruin his day. Big stuff for us. I wasn't there to fix it or protect him as I naturally would have. Life goes on and he can feel more confident.

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

From my friend tac:

Just a few thoughts as I read through...I'm sure many parents have asked the same question, "is the work too easy for my child, are they bored, etc" But, is it really possible to "sacrifice intellectual potential?" I mean, if the potential is there, won't it always be? Isn't it okay for a child to focus on social or emotional skills for awhile if that is where they are deficient? If they are ahead academically or intellectually as Scott is, it seems to me that will always be the case. He has such a desire to learn: to ask questions, to discuss situations, to explore everything, but maybe this school year for him shouldn't really be about that.
Maybe that sounds crazy - I don't know...I'm no teacher!

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

from Niksmom (I have to figure out why Typepad doesn't like some people!!):

I agree with much of what Dee wrote —especially about home school associations. Another thing to consider, if you really think Scott would be better off academically in a different environment, would be homeschooling for academics and having him participate in the extracurricular stuff. You would have to check with someplace like the Homeschool Legal Defense Association (http://www.hslda.org/Default.asp?bhcp=1). They are a GREAT legal resource for information on homeschooling in each state) about your own state regs, but usually homeschooled kids are still entitled to participate in activities for the socialization aspects.

You could also consider using mornings to homeschool and afternoons to join classes together or have Scott participate in an activity like Cub Scouts or something. I'm not so sure that school is always the best place to learn socialization skills anyway —so many anxieties and idiosyncrasies seem to be magnified/intensified under the pressure to perform that they just aren't fun to be around.

Niksmom

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

From my friend Dee:

I remember feeling the same agony when I went in to observe my son's class, and it was so slow and the material was so easy. As far as homeschooling goes, we know a couple who is planning to homeschool, and apparently there are homeschooling groups that they belong to, where the people get together for social reasons and go together on outings, etc. So, Scott could get the socialization that way. Obviously there is also private school... A lot of schools have scholarships or financial assistance if you felt that it wasn't feasible right now . Public schools have a lot of benefits in that they have many different kinds of programs and activities, but they are not good about keeping the bright kids challenged. Now with the state testing requirements, there is even more emphasis on bringing the lower kids up so that they meet the minimum test score requirements. Our school has done well with not teaching just to pass the test, but they are definitely feeling the pressure (I was just at a meeting where they talked about this issue). I have always said from day 1 with my son that private school is not out of the question if I really feel that he is not benefiting from being at the public school. So far I think it has worked out OK, plus he doesn't do well with change, so I am glad to see him in a place where he finally feels comfortable. I know you said Scott loves one on one attention, so maybe a smaller school would make more sense for him.

If I were you, I would talk to the guidance counselor since you said you needed to touch base with her anyway. Maybe if you approach it that you are asking for her help, she would be open to helping you to find a solution.)

[slouching mom]

It will get better, Lori, I promise, as he gets up into some higher grades. I was disappointed by K (for Ben) but pleasantly surprised by 1st grade. Every year since has been better than the last.

[Delilah]

Just from what I have seen with our preschool experience, having the right teacher makes all the difference. It's unfortunate that one person can make or break your child's school year. I often toy with the idea of homeschooling, but Kate really enjoys being around other kids. That and we also tend to butt heads quite a bit...

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

Laura - that IS the way it went!

Kristen - Thank you so much for your comment. We had a great school experience last year also and here we are now. It isn't bad but it could be so much better. I also wonder why can't it be more positive, more creative.

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

from my friend Laura:

LOL! Then reality set in and the teacher revealed her true colors, so I got off my arse and got the hell out of there to pick up my GD daughter.........tee-hee!

[kristen]

I really relate to your points about homeschooling. I often wish I could homeschool my son, but as you say, I think he would suffer from the lack of social interaction.

When my son tells me that he spends a lot of time "looking out the window" I have to wonder why he isn't more engaged in what's going on in the classroom. I don't know the answer, but like you, I feel all my old issues with school coming back to haunt me.

I will forever feel like school is the insurmountable challenge. My son does so well in nearly every other environment, every other situation, why does school have to breed anxiety and low self-esteem and heartache? Why can't we pull together a better system of home and school, to reap the benefits of both in a way that nurtures and reinforces the wonderful quirkiness of our kids?

Does it all boil down to the teacher? Am I so much at odds with this year because my son's teacher is not a good fit? Last year I was singing the praises of his school and the staff. This year, not so much.

Yes, talk to the teacher about some organizational strategies that may lessen Scott's anxiety and give him the confidence to continue raising his hand. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Good luck.