It's All Coming Together

Or falling apart.

Depends on how you look at it.

Because, of course, we all create our own reality.  Make our own choices.  For good or for bad.  But who's good and who's bad?  What might be right for one is not for another. 

You know what I'm saying?

For a year and a half now, I have been struggling with the decision as to whether or not we should have another baby.  I have agonized.  I have nagged Matt. I have stared at people with 2 older children and a baby.  I looked at Jane and thought, are you a middle child instead of the baby?  I have analyzed Matt and I as parents asking, are we 2 kid people or 3?  I have tried to ignore it.  I have tried to move on and start new ventures.  To blog.  To run. 

And yet.  It was there.  Why?  I still have no idea, really.  But, in retrospect, I can't believe how much of my time and energy has gone into this decision.  Not that it should be taken lightly.  But that I didn't realize sooner that the very fact that I couldn't get past it was my answer screaming right back at me.  None of the above questions provided any clarity, it was just that crazy, unexplainable feeling you get sometimes.  That often doesn't even make any sense.

So here we are.

This past week has been a blur of feeling equal amounts of calm and panic.

Calm that I felt the deed was done, so to speak, and now I could move on.  Get ready.  Not have to think about it anymore.

Panic that I felt so crappy already and how in the world was I ever going to make it to June feeling like this.

Calm that I think the splitting headaches were really from caffeine withdrawal instead of some horrific 8 month long saga I was going to endure.

Panic that I am so short tempered that I will be the miserable mother I feared I might become because of this.

Calm that I will not be like the pregnant woman I saw at the doctor's office today with the 4 & 2 year old, who was dealing so poorly with her children, knowing that my kids will be in school when I visit the doctor (and that they are older).

Panic that Matt will have a nervous breakdown.

Calm that I will get to experience this all one last time and close each door as it finishes without holding it ajar for a possible future.  This includes the ability to get my tubes tied right after the baby is born!

Panic that the date for Jane's dance recital is one week prior to my due date and I will most likely miss it.  This led to the reality sinking in about not being able to go to all my kids' things and the sadness I felt when Jane was born and I missed Scott.

Calm that I can, finally, justify keeping all these boxes of kids clothes.

Panic that my mom will freak out.

Calm that Matt has had some very promising interviews and will, hopefully, be able to find a good job before the money runs out from his company.

Panic that the best job, so far, will require us to move.

To Boston.

Did I just say that?  Yep.  Move.  From here.  Where my mom lives down the street. 

Except that, maybe even this, is a good thing.  Maybe it is all part of it.  A fresh start.  A new beginning.  Change is good, right? 

Of all the places we could move, Boston is one of the few that consistently comes up.  I think we would like it there.  But, um, to get from here to there?  And the difference in how we live now.  Oh.  My.

For now I am trying (not very successfully) to keep myself from looking up towns near Boston.  Hey, in Walpole, Scott could take Dodgeball after school.  And in Milton, the lunch menu has nutrition information on it.

Last week was strange, too, what with this crazy hot weather and my caffeine withdrawal induced haze.  I finally emerged on Monday morning and got it together.  I hosted a playgroup, cleaned up the basement, started the big closet overhaul.

So, before it gets to be way too long since my last post (this may be the longest space yet between posts), I want to say thank-you to everyone for their supportive comments.  This includes the e-mails from people who do not like to comment (my brother, my cousin).  From people with 1 child to those with several already.  To some where they have had no trouble building the family they wanted to some who have had to make difficult choices or come to grips with things not being the way they would like.

It is an odd combination of things you can control and those you can't, this life.  We keep on doing the best we can.  Making the choices we think are right for us.  Good or bad. (I feel I should launch into, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, ....)

One more thing before I hit publish:

I am thrilled to introduce my first troll commenter, Rachel.  I would link in her e-mail, but, alas she did not leave one.  Ironically, she lives near Swapscott, MA, which, you guessed it, is north of Boston.  She did find the time to read my blog (for awhile) which makes me happy because it drove up my stats.  I feel I have arrived in the blogging world.  Someone I do not know spent time reading this little 'ol blog.  And, AND, she felt so compelled by what she read, at 12:30 am, that she left a comment.

So I would like to address what she said in the unlikely event that she comes back (please come back, Rachel, the more the merrier):

Rachel:  Are you nuts?

Spinning Yellow:  Yes, I am.

Rachel:  Your entire blog suggests that you are riddled with anxiety.

Spinning Yellow:  My entire blog?  I see you read some of it, but I am not quite sure you read all of it.  Yeah, there's plenty of anxiety here, you aren't going to get an argument on that.  The majority of anxiety about having another baby was surrounding the decision.  Anyway, a blog is what it is.  A diary.  Therapy.  I am not always what I appear to be here, because this is only what I choose to write about.  Have you seen some other blogs?  There's a pretty hefty amount of angst going on out there.

Rachel:  The logical trajectory is that you will have more of the same.

Spinning Yellow:  Reality bites.  I am what I am.  You must be anxiety free?

Rachel:  And to what end?

Spinning Yellow:  I guess another kid. 

Rachel:  And you expect what, exactly? Sorry, I just can't get all mushy about it.

Spinning Yellow:  Did I ask for something?  I am not really a mushy person, so, no, I don't want that.  No one forced you to read or expected anything from you.  Jeez, you'd think I told YOU to have another kid.

Rachel:  More isn't better.

Spinning Winning:  I couldn't agree more.  Because if there are twins growing in there, you'll really see high anxiety!

Comments

[Oh, The Joys]

Congratulations! (and breathe deeply, friend!)

[IzzyMom]

pardon my typo... "dissecting"

[IzzyMom]

It's one thing to give a dissenting opinion but diessecting someone's entire blog and then analyzing it to such an extent seems more than just trollish.

In any case, does it really matter if Lori ports her anxieties onto her blog? Does it really warrant such scrutiny? I'm thinking not.

[mjshapiro]

Hmm...your real name isn't Rachel and you work for an airline. Interesting. We enjoy your comments. Who are you really? I think we already know.

[Rachel]

Gee, as one just passing by and posting a comment (the comments did not specify "post your support and approval here"), I never exepected to attain such a position of prominence on your blog. I'm flattered. So, be careful what you wish for, 'cause here I am, by request! But just a word to my detractors: when one essentially maintains a personal blog that is in essence, a personal diary that one, for whatever reason, wants everyone to see, one must expect a range of responses. It's out there in the public domain; it's now subject to public scrutiny, for better or worse. Yes, I can't say that I "know" Lori. All I did was read the words. And if you compare this journal to others--I've read a lot of diaries and memoirs over the years (I was an English major and went on to grad school for the same thing...and I'm sure that you detractors will find issue with more here, but go right ahead. Feel free.) and one thing I've learned is that language, whether used intentionally or not, is no accident. So, when I just look at the words used throughout the blog, patterns develop. One of the consistent patterns, which results in a general tone, is one of anxiety, which I mentioned, and even more promintent, is ambivalence. It seems that you, Lori, are seeking an outlet for your domestic frustration. You have an IQ of 130, which means that you are within the top 2 percent of all human beings in terms of intellect. You need intellectual stimulation beyond what the domestic sphere can offer you. As it is, one of your blog entries equates "nice" with "boring" (something with which I agree entirely;nice is a word one uses when something more descriptive just doesn't fit)From what I gather, you don't work outside the home. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but it seems that you want something else but don't know what that is yet and it seems that a 3rd child may be an attempt to fill a void--yet it may not be what you're craving inside. Your blog seems like a way to find what you're craving (and we're not talking ice cream here) and mere kudos for your domesticity, I don't think, are really doing it for you. Which is where I come in. And because nice is boring, I'm trolling.

Just an interesting aside: it's fascinating how you chose running as a diversion...it's also an uncanny juxtoposition in between "parenting, SPD" and "family." Just think about the implications. I know it is a real activity, but placed in between the other words, it's as if you need to get away quickly to find yourself. It's so metaphorical. And your "Spinning Yellow" title recalls a short story by Charlotte Perkins Gilman called "The Yellow Wallpaper" (originally published in 1891)but just for the heck of it, check it out. It may appear in some anthologies. Or look online.

[Jordan Sadler]

Wow, it really is a wild ride, this life, isn't it? I'm so happy for you about this 3rd baby, sometimes I've thought we might go for it but right now it seems unlikely. But it hasn't haunted me with quite the same intensity as you - I'm glad you're getting what you want. And I have no doubt that Scott and Jane are going to be so helpful.

And the move? Well, it's a big deal to relocate your family but wonderful things can come of it. Matt and I were in Boston for a couple years while I got my Master's and we were so happy there. I'm a New Englander myself and often miss it. I bet you'll love it. I have good professional contacts there, too! ;-)

[Barb Laurenson]

Three is the new two!! Congratulations!!! Oh, so so calm, because you'll get to hold another adorable, sweet angel. Mike and I always knew two was the limit for us, and I am calm because Mike is going under the knife in just a few short weeks. However, I am shocked to find that there is a part of me - the illogical part - that would love a third. That makes me happy - to know that babies and children are so wondrous that they can make us feel, think and do things that we NEVER thought we would.

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

Kristen, Kyra and Niksmom: "Life is messy" - just what I was trying to say, you wise friends, you.

SM - yep, Boston is still only a day drive from here (no plane ride) and I do feel confident that the kids will be helpful with the baby.

Deliah & Laura - I am sad, too, to leave such good friends (if this pans out) but we will always have the internet so the world is a lot bigger and smaller at the same time!

Laura - so clever!

Dee - yes, the decision is the hardest part!

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

From Niksmom who also has trouble with Typepad:

Ditto what Kristen said. And the troll? Obviously needs a life and thought yours was more interesting so she tried it on for size? Maybe she realized she couldn't handle the responsibility and split? (Niksmom)

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

From my friend Dee (I've got to figure out what is going on with her and typepad!):

Indecision is like paralysis. You are free now! Lots of things are happening now, new baby, new job, new outlook. You'll look back someday and marvel at how you did it all.

In life there are always pros and cons, good and bad, calm and panic, as you put it. We would be thoughtless, robotic beings otherwise. You just have to try to be happy with whatever situation you are presented with. Easier said than done, but it sounds good!

[Laura]

Calm b/c sometimes I am a miserable mom and I like it that way.

Calm b/c my husband had a vascectomy.

Calm b/c you so threw it back at the troll.

Panic b/c of the thought of you all moving.

[slouching mom]

I've never understood why trolls don't have better things to do with their time than being trollish.

Boston is great. And really, in the scheme of things, it's not prohibitively far from where you are.

My guess is that not only will your kids not be difficult on the arrival of Number Three, but they will be extremely helpful. They are old enough to be so.

[Kyra]

i'm with kristen! life, she is messy and wonderful. this is such a rich and exciting time!

[Delilah]

Boston? I'm sitting here crying right now.

[kristen]

What's a troll commenter?

And yes, change is good. And life is messy. And we do the best we can. You'll be fine.