Spinning Yellow: I Never Claimed to Be Fun

When you live in the world of little kids, you can't escape the dreaded three:

1. Lollipops
2. Balloons
3. Stickers

Of course people are trying to be nice and ~~keep your kid quiet~~ put a smile on your kid's face, but I would like to ban all of the above items.

Let's start with lollipops. Sticky. Potential chocking hazard as my children are not patient enough to lick or suck the lollipop and always chew them straight away. Bad for teeth (see last point on chewing instead of sucking) . I wonder if I will get weird google searches from that. Incites arguments about who gets what flavor and whether their lolly is better tasting, bigger, less gummy, whatever. The icky wet paper stick gets left somewhere for you to sit on or try to extract from the carpet or the dog gobbles it up. Kids with sticky hands are now in the car and touch everything including their hair and then cry that they are inadvertently pulling their hair out or have dirt stuck to them. Wipes don't clean effectively (and/or kids won't use a wipe) so you have to find a sink to wash up in (not always available). Because they chew them, the actually amount of time that the kids are occupied is about 1 minute. Clean up equals 30 minutes.

Balloons seem harmless. So bright and floaty and festive. Except that there is the very real potential for the balloon to float away because children NEVER heed the grown-up warning that they will lose the balloon by not holding it securely enough. Lots of crying and blaming to follow. If the balloon does make it into the car you have to constantly remind your child that you will crash the car if they don't keep the balloon from coming into the front seat and blocking your view. At home, the balloon becomes a weapon especially when there are two. Which always leads to someone getting smacked in the face. More crying. Once again there is fighting over whose balloon is the better color or bigger or more round, whatever. Oh and they can pop and scare the daylights out of everyone and then there are the pieces, which again are a chocking hazard and an environmental issue because they never decompose and animals eat them and get sick, right? That rubber, latex smell is nauseating and leads me to look around wondering if the kids found the stash of condoms. And the string, oh my, I envision it wrapped around my kid's wrist or neck and I have to cut it off of them before I end up in the ER with me lamely explaining that I thought balloons were fun, not dangerous. Balloons are great for decorating but are not a toy.

I hate stickers with a passion. I've always hated stickers, because, quite simply, they are sticky. They get stuck to your skin or the table or your clothes. Peeling off stickers or price tags is one of my least liked activities. I would go so far as to say I have a sticker phobia. Don't come near me with them. Kids love them. Especially when they are a picture of their favorite character. Well, most kids love them. Scott does not and is always being offered one, which he thinks is a lame prize (he'd rather have a lollipop or a balloon). People give very young children stickers, like at the grocery store, where I want to say, what are you dumb? the kid is just going to eat it. I mean, what is the big deal with stickers anyway. So Jane likes them and puts them on her clothes which we then forget about and end up putting in the wash and now that you know how much I hate taking stickers off of things, well, you can imagine how I feel about scrapping the pieces out of the washer or dryer. Once again the sticker thing creates arguments about who has which one and then someone loses theirs or it doesn't stick or now they want the other kid's sticker, whatever. So if it doesn't get stuck to the bottom of my shoe or end up on someone's belly, then it gets stuck to paper at home and the kids lament the fact that they cannot now use it again.

Yeah, you are glad I am not your mother, or your kid's mother. Sure, feel all smug that you are fun, but I know you secretly feel the same way.