Trying Not to Drown

We are fully into summer now.  Actually a quarter of the way through, but I'm not really counting.  I am embracing summer, remember?  I am doing my best, but let me just say that it is NOT easy.  There have been fights and screaming and lots of stress along with the good parts.  Things like playing in the yard, seeing my nephew perform in summer theater, eating lots of ice cream, visiting the library, going to the beach, fourth of July fireworks.  One of the best parts was supposed to be swimming lessons.

But here we are again and it is not going well.  Two years ago when we started swim lessons, Scott had already done several sessions of Mommy and me classes at the Y.  He always enjoyed getting in the water, even at the beach, but had stop attending a group class at the Y the previous fall when he didn't want to swim without one of his parents.  I remember being very concerned about how it would go because nothing ever goes smoothly with Scott initially.  That was the summer when Scott was 4, Jane was 1, and our family was drowning in tension.  We were seeing a Parenting Consultant to help us with Scott's lack of potty training issue and we were (especially me) sure that we were failing him miserably as parents.  He was spiraling further out of control and so were we.  This was the summer before the fall when he was diagnosed with SPD.

That summer he started in what is called the Non-Swimmer class.  A terrible name, really.  I recall that Scott kept saying, but I am supposed to be learning to swim, right?  I wonder who came up with that a hundred years ago.  Anyway, I had discussed the whole thing with the Parenting Consultant and tried to talk to the swim instructors at the beginning of the session about how anxious he could be.  The very first day he left the class in tears saying that the teacher would give them candy if they put their faces in the water.  Seems like a good incentive, right?  Not to Scott.  All he thought was that he wouldn't be able to do and would never get the candy.  He was off to a terrible start.

I remember crying to one of my friends, saying, why can't anything be easy with him.  I felt so responsible and sad for him.  As the summer progressed he got a set of new (super cute) girl instructors who were able to get him more comfortable in the water.  He never put his head under the water and therefore never progressed to the next level (Swimmer 1). 

There is a whole side story to the swimming, too, about the scene at the pool.  What the kids do after lessons and the playground, ball playing social maneuvering.  Without getting too far off this topic, I'll just say that Scott must know where I am at all times and found managing the unstructured time outside the pool to be challenging.

When it came time to sign Scott up for lessons last year, when he was 5 and I knew all about the SPD, I uncharacteristically lied and said he was in the Swimmer 1 group.  I figured he needed to be in with the kids his age and be pushed a little to start swimming.  This tends to be a good strategy with him, but at  first it was, once again, not a good situation.  He wouldn't do what the instructors wanted and half way through the 8 week session, the lead teacher told me Scott had not progressed like the other kids had.  I remember clearly thinking how hard it was for Scott.  He would get disoriented in the water.  His body felt different.  And the teenager swim instructors would tell the kids to do stuff and Scott couldn't follow along.

At this point I understood how the SPD related to his motor planning difficulties.  I saw how the instructors would explain the backstroke: put your arm up to your ear, turn it so your pinky is in back, brush past your ear and back down.  All the kids dutifully followed along while Scott waved his arms around or didn't do anything.  I am sure they thought he had ADHD.  That he couldn't concentrate and was unfocused.  But I saw that he couldn't follow the instructions and make his body do what they did so he just ignored them or acted silly.  It was a real eye-opener in how his SPD (in this case coming out through the motor planning) could look like bad behavior instead of an actual physical problem being able to complete the task.

Matt would take Scott to the pool and try to get him to put his head under the water.  Finally, during the second to last week of class, Scott just got it.  He was with his Dad and just started swimming around.  When I first saw him do it, I cried.  It is such a big thing.  And he was so proud of himself.

It was fleeting, though, as he developed swimmer's ear and has not put his head under the water since.  It was very painful and he hated getting the drops in his ears.  So, here we are.  I figured he'd get over it once he started lessons again this year and saw everyone swimming.  Nope.  Today was the first parent observation day and his current instructors tried everything to get him to put his head in, to no avail.

As I watched them today, I felt so sad for Scott.  I started to wonder what Matt and I were doing forcing him to do this.  He seemed so unhappy.  And, in general, he hasn't been doing that well.  Remember how I thought once we settled into the summer routine, that he would be more together.  But he's actually been worse.  Stuff has been cropping up; chewing his shirt, hmming, anxiety about where I am.  And it hit me today:  Maybe the swimming lessons are a big part of the problem.

Maybe he is so worried about not being able to do it and then feels like such a failure that he is totally stressed.  Wait.  Is this similar to the potty training issue with Jane?  OK, if two kids who are so different are having the same sort of pressure to succeed, then it must be the parents who are at fault, right? 

Over and over, it is the same parenting dilemma:  Are we pushing too much or are we coddling and not requiring enough?  Are we trying too hard or not hard enough?

I am not sure if Matt and I can take credit for the things our children do well (like eating and going to sleep) any more than we should take the blame for things that don't go well.  But it does seem odd that we are having the same problems again while other people are not (although they may have different problems).

Obviously Jane needs to learn how to use the toilet and I feel strongly that Scott needs to be able to swim. He doesn't have to be on the swim team or be a triathlete or even do it well.  But for safety sake and the ability to enjoy the ocean and pools, he must learn how to swim.  I've been talking to him about how he used to do it and he still can, but I'm not getting anywhere.  The instructors looked so exasperated.  I don't want my kid to take up all of their time.  Especially when I think they have nothing to do with it.  They said it was OK (what can they say?)

With three-quarters of the summer left, I am not sure how to proceed.  Maybe he can't swim.  He is so good at other sports, maybe we should just leave this alone.  But.  That doesn't seem right.  And he can do it.  He did it before.

Scott told his Dad today that he wants to practice at the pool this weekend.  He pinky swore to his instructor that he would put his head in.  Will that be the thing that makes him do it?  Man, I wish I had the secret answers.  But, of course, I know that's the real problem.  There are no clear cut answers.  No magical solutions.

And that is the hardest part of all.

Comments

[Bruno]

My daughter and I just fiiehsnd watching you guys on extreme makeover. We just wanted to let you know it is great to to see that your business is still going strong! You deserve it and good luck in the future.Mike Davis

[Dee]

I agree that for safety reasons he needs to learn to swim at some point. However, if it is not this summer, it is not the end of the world. Just like when they are babies and toddlers, they learn different things at their own pace. Maybe later this summer or next year it will be a completely different story. I would lay off the lessons and just spend time with him in the water and take it from there. You are picking up on his signals that it is too stressful for him. Like everyone else said, don't blame yourself. You can't force it, no matter how hard you try. Ian has some anxiety issues and it always ends up that things get better once he is more comfortable, and I can't do anything speed it up, it just has to happen on its own.

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

Thanks for your input, everyone. Yeah, I think we have to lay off on the swimming, too much right now. I will be talking with the manager tomorrow. I finally saw the connection I was trying to make when Matt came back from swimming yesterday. The times when we get into problems are when we keep trying to bribe/give incentives. The kids just don't respond to it and smell our desperation a mile away. So, when we start doing it, we need to back up and just leave them alone. It is hard, but I will try to ease up. I guess in the grand scheme of things, Scott's self-esteem and well-being are more important than learning to swim. Thanks again. Your comments really helped me get a grip!

And Laura, oh the chewing, it makes me feel that I am not doing the right OT activities. I get caught up in whether the SPD is causing the chewing and subsequent anxiety or whether the anxiety is causing the chewing. Scott has a whole set of clothes that are ruined from him chewing on them!

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

Here's Laura's comment:

I believe Kathy took the words right out of my mouth! Don't beat yourself up-everyone has problems and nobody's kid is better adjusted than your kids. I can so relate to chewing his shirt-Dallas did that and still does on occassion. He was so stressed out over Kindergarten that he chewed the leather interior on the door of my SUV-I see many similarities w/Scott and Dallas. You and Matt are great parents!

[tac]

I agree with KathyS - swimming is not easy and maybe it's just overload for Scott right now. Water can be scary and while I agree that everyone should learn to swim, you may just need to let Scott learn on his schedule. And, maybe he'll learn more with you and Matt than in a lesson with other kids. You don't want him to hate the water, so maybe backing off here is the right thing to do?

[KathyS]

Swimming is doing so many things at once. There are arms and legs and breathing and keeping your eyes open and the funny sound water makes when it gets in your ears. And then there's the bouyancy, the feeling of weightlessness, or sinking under - the feeling of a lack of control. Swimming is learning to move in an environment that is unfamiliar. Scott may just take longer than other kids (kids not subject to the difficulties associated with SPD)to put it together. You've been so patient and caring, you and Matt. Don't berate yourself or question your parenting abilities because of Scott's swimming issues ... or Jane's potty aversion.

I'm not going to say "things will work out," or "it's just a matter of time." You and Matt are very special people, completely dedicated to each other and the children. So, dear Lori, be gentle with yourself. Try to focus on all the good things you and Matthew do each day for Scott and Jane. The list is a long and loving one.
Kathy