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July 21, 2007


Lori at Spinning Yellow

Dee, thank you for adding your experience. Obviously I know about your situation and how much you agonized about it. My sister also has the same issues you talk about. Each of her 3 kids will be at a different school come fall! I appreciate your honesty about how all the things you worried about are still there. I know I would love another child and that, of course I would have to adapt (just like you). That doesn't mean the other stuff would go away. You are spot on about the decision really being the thing that is killing me.


You know this, but as a fellow thinker, I have been there, many times over. Years and years of thinking, worrying, deciding and not deciding, obsessing. I feel your pain. Now that I have 3, I can fully and unequivocally say that I no longer have those feelings of want or indecision. As you know, we, after years of back and forth, decided to go for three, not really for my own desires but more for my children. Some women just like to have a baby in the house. That wasn't my motivation, it was more of the reasons that you speak of, to enrich my childrens' lives with another sibling, to add to the family dynamic. But, when things didn't go so well we finally decided it wasn't meant to be, then we gave up, and then I got pregnant. At that moment of complete disbelief, I truly felt it was meant to be. How do I feel now, now that I have 3 children, the youngest of which is 18 months? Overwhelmed. The way you speak of going from 1 child to 2, and how it took you 2 years to adjust, is how I feel. I love my daughter, and she is adorable, funny, smart, cute and special, but mothering three children is draining. I think some people are just better at managing chaos; it is not one of my strong points. With the boys in school and activities, it makes life very challenging with a toddler. Even something simple like going to the pool or the playground is complicated given their age differences. They don't get any free time with me. I am hoping it gets better as they get older and that gap closes. Things are gradually getting easier, note gradually. So, I know exactly where you are. And I am now on the other side. Both are tough situations to be in. If you really think you will regret it, don't torture yourself. It is not an easy leap to make; I think the decision itself is the most excruciating part. After that you just need to keep on living.

Lori at Spinning Yellow

mothergoosemouse - As tac said, we almost wish the decision was not ours, that we, too, would have a birth control malfunction! I have a feeling this baby will be a boy, let the fun begin!
tac - Oh my partner in our tortured indecisive world! I had forgotten how we discussed the lack of thinking about life beyond motherhood. Throw that in there, too. Nicely put comment, girlfriend. Thanks for making my blogging more interesting, keeping me thinking, and being a great friend. Funny how this blog is making us closer. Would have never thought of this back in the Rockville apartment days...


Hi Lori,
So, I figure I never need to actually write my own blog since your words are often my thoughts exactly. Since we have discussed "the third" many times, you know I struggle with all the same. It's wrestling with what you thought you wanted (before you had any clue of reality, of course) and what you can actually handle; it's realizing that saying no to the third means you have to think about that phase of your life that frankly, we never thought about; and, it's being the youngest of my siblings that makes me think "what if my parents were practical and stopped at my brother". On one hand, I wouldn't know because I wouldn't be here, but on the other hand, I'd like to think I'm a pretty good human who has brought some joy to my parents, friends, etc and is there someone out there that is supposed to bring further joy to us or to others? I can tell you that for me this indecision and this obsession has been 24/7 for at least the last 2 years. I am in a constant state of "do we / don't we" and see pros/cons everywhere we go and in everything we do and in everyone I see. Per your link, I read mothergoosemouse and can't help but feel a little envious. I've many times wished my birth control would fail and yet, I don't have the courage to not use it at all! Is it possible to be any more indecisive?! While having a third would complicate many things (expenses, work, etc) I also know it would clarify some things we are contemplating. But do I have a baby to make my other decisions easier? Of course not, but.......


Thank you for the kind words. Like you, I am a planner, and my position on the size of our family was based on many long-term factors. Of course, all of that's out the window now - go with the flow!

For what it's worth, my husband is like you - the youngest of three. Hence, his reluctance to pursue any permanent measures of birth control after our younger daughter was born. I think he felt that same sort of potential regret that you're struggling with.

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