I had a nightmare last night that my brother died. It was horrible. I know why I had this dream. It is because I was reading blogs late last night and I came across the most recent post by Erin from Manic Mommies. I was shocked and saddened to hear about her sister. I don't know Erin personally, but I am a big fan of the Manic Mommies podcast and I have exchanged e-mails with the ladies especially surrounding the Wii they gave me. I feel like I know them, though, because I listen to them regularly. Sort of the same way I felt about Katie Couric as I watched her everyday for years while I got dressed and ate my breakfast. Clearly I have much more in common with Erin and Kristin.
I have also been thinking a lot about siblings lately. How my children interact. How my siblings and I got along as children and now as grown-ups. About my cousin, who we just visited, who is an only child but very much like another sister to me. She now has two children of her own and seems to be handling their sibling interaction better than I do with my kids.
And, of course, there is the nagging feeling (okay, obsession) of mine about whether we should have another child. This problem I have with not being able to make a decision is weighing heavily on me. I know I have talked about this before and I have so many reservations, but I also still have this gut feeling that I will regret not having another.
Then I saw this post by This Mom and felt such grief for her. And wouldn't you know it, the same day, I saw this post by MotherGooseMouse. I felt happy for her and, I have to admit, slightly jealous. She has openly stated many times that she didn't want any more children. I wish I was the kind of person who could just let things happen, but I am not. I think, think, think. And plan. And think and plan some more.
And it really is ridiculous for me to even consider another child given my fragile state of mind lately. And our lack of money and stability. And here's one of the worst parts; I realized that the times I really lose it with Scott are when he does stuff to Jane. I know I shouldn't get involved but I find myself reprimanding him time and time again. Is it the little sister in my sticking up for Jane? Is it my rules player self that can't seem to just let things play out but has to solve, rectify, fix all incidents? Is it that I don't really trust Scott, even though, most of the time, he is harmless, just being an annoying brother? Is it that I am trying to live up to other people's expectations for how I should be disciplining my children?
If I can barely handle the two of them, why on earth would I consider having another?
Because I was the last of three. Because I am worried that only two kids won't make our family feel full enough. Because I don't want to admit that I am not capable. That, as annoying as it can be, I am not sure I want this phase of my life to be over. That Scott will be in school all day next year and I will feel that our house is empty. That I have become used to being a mom, almost comfortable, finally, with this role as it is. That I am getting pretty good at this and maybe, next time, I'll be the great mom I know I can be (shitty reason, I know, having kids is not about proving my competence, but, hey, it's my blog and if I can't tell the truth here, then where?) Because having more siblings is fun for the kids. That they will need each other when they get older.
What if something happens to one of them? I have friends who have had siblings die, tragically, when they are young. One friend's younger brother died suddenly when he was 25. Now she is an only child as an adult. Of course the flip side to this is that whenever you have another child you run the risk of having a child with problems of one sort or another. I also have a friend who's third child has a severe brain disorder, so bad that her baby cannot even eat on her own. I am almost 40, not too old, but definitely upping the risk factor. Anything can happen, that is for sure.
When I was growing up I always feared that my brother would die. He was the golden child. My mother would do anything for him and always made excuses for any of his bad behavior. He could be reckless and I worried that something would happen to him and not only would I miss him, I idolized him (still do, yeah, he reads this blog), but I also feared that my mother would never recover. This nightmare of mine is one I have played out in my mind before. How sad everyone would be and how difficult it would be to move on. I am prone to crazy, vivid dreams, sometimes so realistic it is terrifying.
Time Magazine had a cover story last year about the fascinating study of how siblings affect who we are. New research shows that your siblings may impact you more than your parents. Wow. All that fighting and playing, negotiating and blaming, all those shared experiences and time together. It adds up big time. Maybe that is part of why I want my kids to get along so badly. That and my sanity.
So I want to just let this go, this nagging feeling of possible regret. I want to move on and come to the calm realization that this family I have is good enough. That I will have more time for each of them and feel less frazzled. We won't need a minivan and we will be able to go to Disney World. The days of breastfeeding and naps are behind us. That Matt and are so lucky and fortunate for what we have, there is no reason to want more.
And yet. I have had several opportunities to unload my baby items. The most recent time is to Scott's OT who is about to have her first child, a boy. When we were there last week I brought a pack and play. I could have brought a house full of stuff. I couldn't bring myself to give the stuff away. It sits in our basement and in my mom's basement, collecting dust. Strollers and high chairs, toys and clothes.
Of course she has all new things that now fill up her house and bring back memories for me. Did you know that pack and plays now come with remote controls and music boxes that can be attached? How clever. In the past I have seen pregnant woman and thought, thank goodness that's not me. I hated being pregnant. And, it took me the better part of two years to adjust to having two children. I was good with one but fell off the deep end trying to manage two. Between the guilt and different phases, it was way more than I could handle.
But that is all in the past now. As one of my friends who has three children said right before her third was born: I've experienced one child, two children, a girl and a boy. I feel that I am prepared for whatever comes next. Or am I? Oh, and I haven't even mentioned how Matt feels. He has waffled on this issue but always comes back to our poor financially situation. He feels (as men do) that it would be irresponsible to add another child. But I know that if I was sure, with no doubts, he would probably concede. The thing is, I am, obviously, so not sure.
The indecision is it's own nightmare. Clouding my vision and flooding my head. Making me feel that I need to wake up and get going. One way or the other. And put this nightmare to rest.
Dee, thank you for adding your experience. Obviously I know about your situation and how much you agonized about it. My sister also has the same issues you talk about. Each of her 3 kids will be at a different school come fall! I appreciate your honesty about how all the things you worried about are still there. I know I would love another child and that, of course I would have to adapt (just like you). That doesn't mean the other stuff would go away. You are spot on about the decision really being the thing that is killing me.
Posted by: Lori at Spinning Yellow | July 23, 2007 at 10:32 PM
Lori,
You know this, but as a fellow thinker, I have been there, many times over. Years and years of thinking, worrying, deciding and not deciding, obsessing. I feel your pain. Now that I have 3, I can fully and unequivocally say that I no longer have those feelings of want or indecision. As you know, we, after years of back and forth, decided to go for three, not really for my own desires but more for my children. Some women just like to have a baby in the house. That wasn't my motivation, it was more of the reasons that you speak of, to enrich my childrens' lives with another sibling, to add to the family dynamic. But, when things didn't go so well we finally decided it wasn't meant to be, then we gave up, and then I got pregnant. At that moment of complete disbelief, I truly felt it was meant to be. How do I feel now, now that I have 3 children, the youngest of which is 18 months? Overwhelmed. The way you speak of going from 1 child to 2, and how it took you 2 years to adjust, is how I feel. I love my daughter, and she is adorable, funny, smart, cute and special, but mothering three children is draining. I think some people are just better at managing chaos; it is not one of my strong points. With the boys in school and activities, it makes life very challenging with a toddler. Even something simple like going to the pool or the playground is complicated given their age differences. They don't get any free time with me. I am hoping it gets better as they get older and that gap closes. Things are gradually getting easier, note gradually. So, I know exactly where you are. And I am now on the other side. Both are tough situations to be in. If you really think you will regret it, don't torture yourself. It is not an easy leap to make; I think the decision itself is the most excruciating part. After that you just need to keep on living.
Posted by: Dee | July 23, 2007 at 05:38 PM
mothergoosemouse - As tac said, we almost wish the decision was not ours, that we, too, would have a birth control malfunction! I have a feeling this baby will be a boy, let the fun begin!
tac - Oh my partner in our tortured indecisive world! I had forgotten how we discussed the lack of thinking about life beyond motherhood. Throw that in there, too. Nicely put comment, girlfriend. Thanks for making my blogging more interesting, keeping me thinking, and being a great friend. Funny how this blog is making us closer. Would have never thought of this back in the Rockville apartment days...
Posted by: Lori at Spinning Yellow | July 22, 2007 at 09:21 PM
Hi Lori,
So, I figure I never need to actually write my own blog since your words are often my thoughts exactly. Since we have discussed "the third" many times, you know I struggle with all the same. It's wrestling with what you thought you wanted (before you had any clue of reality, of course) and what you can actually handle; it's realizing that saying no to the third means you have to think about that phase of your life that frankly, we never thought about; and, it's being the youngest of my siblings that makes me think "what if my parents were practical and stopped at my brother". On one hand, I wouldn't know because I wouldn't be here, but on the other hand, I'd like to think I'm a pretty good human who has brought some joy to my parents, friends, etc and is there someone out there that is supposed to bring further joy to us or to others? I can tell you that for me this indecision and this obsession has been 24/7 for at least the last 2 years. I am in a constant state of "do we / don't we" and see pros/cons everywhere we go and in everything we do and in everyone I see. Per your link, I read mothergoosemouse and can't help but feel a little envious. I've many times wished my birth control would fail and yet, I don't have the courage to not use it at all! Is it possible to be any more indecisive?! While having a third would complicate many things (expenses, work, etc) I also know it would clarify some things we are contemplating. But do I have a baby to make my other decisions easier? Of course not, but.......
Posted by: tac | July 22, 2007 at 08:11 PM
Thank you for the kind words. Like you, I am a planner, and my position on the size of our family was based on many long-term factors. Of course, all of that's out the window now - go with the flow!
For what it's worth, my husband is like you - the youngest of three. Hence, his reluctance to pursue any permanent measures of birth control after our younger daughter was born. I think he felt that same sort of potential regret that you're struggling with.
Posted by: Julie | July 22, 2007 at 11:13 AM