Spinning Yellow

My Moment In The Spotlight

I may be remembered from this conference. 

Not because of something brilliant I said or even something stupid.  Not because I wore a fabulous outfit or one that is horribly out of fashion.  Not because people looked at my blog and were impressed or felt a connection (what I was hoping for most of all).

But because of this:

My chin

My shoulder

My knee



I didn’t get mugged.  I didn’t have a drunken accident.  I didn’t even wipe out while running.  I just fell.  On the sidewalk going from the main conference area to the cocktail reception.  I simply tripped on the curb in a shining moment of glory.  Because I was holding a bag in each hand, I didn’t break my fall very well.  I wasn’t wearing high heels.  I hadn’t even had a drink yet.

The fall itself, although embarrassing, was not witnessed by many people.  Mostly by tourists on Navy Pier that I will never see again.  One guy even said I fell gracefully as he handed me my cell phone (yeah, sure).  The big problem is that I look like I got into some kind of bar brawl or cat fight.  People kept asking me if I was OK.  I am fine.  Scraped up and a little sore but nothing major.  I am disappointed that I was too banged up to run this morning.

My lasting impression on the BlogHer community.  For those of you who know me, you can appreciate how fitting this is.  For those of you who don't know me, well, now you do for sure.

From WhyMommy

I am here at BlogHer2007 because of WhyMommy from Toddler Planet who gave me her BlogHer pass.  I am honored to attend in her place.  I want everyone to click over to her post about IBC.  Everyone needs to know what is happening to her and why she is not here.  And they need to be aware of what I knew nothing about. A breast cancer that isn't about mammograms.  Something they never tell you about.  Please read it and pass it on, to any woman you love.  Your mom, sister, friend, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, aunt, daughter, cousin, wife, nanny, neighbor.  Everyone.

She is blogging and sharing her experience.  She is informing people.  She is saving people.

Thank you WhyMommy. 

And thank you, readers, for passing it on.

Being Away

Every time I call home, Jane starts crying.  I am happy that I was not available to say good night today because I couldn't bear to hear her scream again.  Scott has been fine, although he did make me promise before I left that nothing would happen to him while I was gone.  I normally do not like to lie or promise things I can't control, but in this case, it seemed like the right thing to do to reassure him.  Jane also told me in a sad little voice "don't leave me" yesterday morning.  This after she had said at dinner, in response to me stating that no one at the conference was going to want to hang out with me, "I'll hang out with you, Mommy."

Feeling guilty, anyone?

Even though this makes me sad momentarily, it does not make me feel that this trip shouldn't have happened.  I am quite happy to be here.  This first day has been amazing.  I've listened in on some terrific discussions and met fabulous bloggers.  Some people I did not know before and some that I have been admiring and was hoping to meet.

It was loud in the hotel last night.  People partying, kids crying, sirens outside.  I remember now that this is one of the things I dislike about traveling.  Being here in Chicago really brings back memories of my former single, professional life.  I used to come to Chicago a lot for business because the large consulting firm I worked for was headquartered here and we had to attend training sessions at their compound.  I even visited friends here and was surprised to recognize the restaurant across the street from the hotel where I became a coffee drinker back in 1993.

This morning I got up early, went to Starbucks, and then went running along the lake.  There were so many people out exercising.  I felt great afterwards.  Four miles.  It was very calming to get that run in while everything else is so different.  The consistency of hearing myself breath and the feeling of my feet hitting the pavement was grounding.

I forgot how nice everyone is here.  It is obvious that this is not the East Coast.  And I also forgot what a great city this is.  I do love sight seeing and being in a city.  I enjoy the pulse of an urban community.  The access to everything.  I still do not know why, but there was a smell in the air this morning of brownies baking.  It was heavenly and so unexpected.  It reminded me of the way it smelled in Hackettstown, NJ where I worked at the M&M plant.

Traveling now seems so different than when I was in the thick of it.  With my laptop, cell phone, iPod, and WiFi, I am easy to reach and can stay connected.  The technology is incredible.

There is a lot to say about this conference and what I have learned and experienced so far.  Tomorrow is another jam-packed day.  I feel invigorated to blog more and to focus on certain things. As I discuss this blog and my original intentions I realize how much I have to offer.  People are interested.

Now I need some sleep.  More tomorrow.

I'm Off, Ready Or Not

No new shoes, but I did mange to print out cards (with lots of help from Matt).  They are kind of cute with a logo I scribbled together:

 

What do you think?

I am now here in Chicago.  I already met a few people in the lobby, but begged off their invitation to a cocktail party so that I could get settled.

Here's what I wrote in the airport:

My flight has been delayed.  Just when I thought I was on my way!  This will mark the third airplane trip I have taken since 9/11/01.  I used to be quite the frequent flyer.  When I booked this flight I couldn’t remember my previous frequent flyer number.  I had to rifle through old day planners to find my last DC address and then verify the number with my maiden name.  It’s been awhile.  My Mileage Plus account showed a lifetime miles flown of over 68,000. 

It seems like forever since I was a young jet setter traveling back and forth between DC and LA (early 1990's).  I felt like a fraud at that stage in my life.  Although I enjoyed the perks of a good paying job with an expense account, I missed being in one place, feeling like I was growing roots.  And I never got over the fact that I was young and they were billing me out at some huge rate compared to my lack of experience.

I feel a little of that now while I sit here and wait for my flight.  I have a laptop!  I am using it, here, in the airport!  Who am I?  Normally I am squirreled away at home with little children.  I wear whatever I can find for the day and that suits my purposes.  I feel that I am exposed, here, out in the open.  Forced to come to terms with my self imposed exile from other non-SAHM people.  I think this is good for me even if it is making me uncomfortable.  It is time.

I have been upset with myself for being anxious about this conference.  I am not, generally, socially anxious.  I can meet new people and join in with groups.  Sure, I get nervous, but, among my many issues, I would not add being shy or afraid of new people.  And yet, I feel out of my league.  Like a fraud again.  I won the pass to this conference and I am worried that my sponsors will wonder why they gave it to me. 

And I have been thinking a lot about how I don’t have new clothes or shoes.  I dislike shopping in general, but also don’t want to spend any money I don’t have to.  This morning as I was starting finishing packing, a calm came over me.  Why was I getting all frazzled?  I know who I am.  Although I'd like to look good and have trendy clothes, that's not really my thing.  I am not willing to spend the time or effort on it.  So, until I have lots of money or more time, it will probably not be one of my top priorities to have the latest fashion.  I am OK with this.  I have no issue with people who do like that.  Maybe if I am lucky, one of the "it" girls will help me look better, like my college friends who would dress me up before we went out.

What I won’t miss on this trip:

Changing Jane’s diapers and wiping Scott's butt

Listening to the whining and complaining

Doing laundry, fixing up meals, cleaning up

Being woken up at night by the dog, a child, or my insomniac husband

Breaking up sibling fights

Saying to Scott any of the following things:  Stop doing that, calm down, you may not throw things at your sister, it is never OK to hurt someone to get what you want, relax, your engine's running too fast, leave her alone, go to your room

Applying sunscreen, strapping kids into car seats, telling everyone to hurry up

What I will miss:

Tucking everyone in at night

Saying good morning right when they get up

Snuggling and laughing with Matt

Petting Libby

Watching Jane putter around the house, putting things where she wants them to go while she sings Backyardigan songs to herself

Having conversations with Scott like the ones I had today that went:

1. Mommy, where did all this come from, you know, the world, the trees and grass and people and all?  Prompting me to discuss the religious view and the Big Bang view and then talk about evolution and how we adapt and rounding out with the fact that he may not get wisdom teeth because humans have evolved out of a need for them.

2.  Mommy, what's a lawyer?  Prompting me to discuss the law and then trials and prosecutors and  defenders and  how in America we are all innocent until proven guilty.  A follow up question about what happens if the defender thinks their client is guilty led to a great discussion about how everyone is entitled to fair representation.

* Side note - I love these deep discussions with Scott.  As I wrote this I realized that maybe I just like the opportunity to tell someone stuff who will listen!

Giving and receiving lots of hugs and kisses

The funny things the kids say like last night when Scott was unhappy with his dinner and we asked why.  "Well, first of all, my steak is too chewy and second of all, there is no second of all"  or Jane at the pool today saying she wanted to jump in 4 more times and trying to count that out on her hand.  "Not this one," she said as she pointed to her thumb and then held up the 4 other fingers.

Being at my house, surrounded by the things I care about and the people I love

And because I am not quite done, thank-you, I'll add a little more.

While I was waiting in the airport I started talking to a guy sitting next to me.  "Are you going to Chicago for business or fun?" he asked.  "Both, I am going to a conference."  "Oh, what for?"  "It's a conference for bloggers."  "What, exactly is a blog anyway?" he asked.

I suddenly felt like a blogging ambassador.  What is a blog?  Great question.  Wikepedia says that a blog is a web log, written in chronological order.  I told the man that a blog is an on-line record of events or thoughts or opinions.  That it can be political or personal or whatever the person wants it to be.  That it is often used for finding people you have things in common with, a community outside of where you live or your relatives.

When he found out that I write about my kids and parenting, he proudly showed off a photo of his one year old daughter.  I realized that although I have become wrapped up in blogging, it is still a fairly unknown world to most people.  I thought about how I had been comparing myself to other mommy bloggers.  Ones who have lots of readers, who sell hip clothes, who are far better writers than I. 

But that's not my place.  I know who I am.  I have my own voice, that is why I am writing this blog.  I am here at this conference for a reason.  I am the only one who can tell my story about me and about my life.

I am not a fraud.

BlogHer in 2 Days!

I am so not ready!  I don't have new shoes or cards.  I can barely use my new MacBook.  I am totally worried about all the things that people are writing about.  Except the size of my ass.  Not concerned with that.  Or the humidity and how it might affect my hair.  That is solved by my short, curly, no work, summer hairdo.  My biggest concern is with my lack of experience and talent.  And being away.  More on all that in another post.  In an effort to get with the program here is my information:

Not that anyone who is actually going to be at BlogHer reads this blog, but here goes my 10 second intro:

I am a morning person, I would rather get up early than stay up late

Dessert that is not chocolate is a waste of time and don't ruin my chocolate by putting fruit in it (except chocolate covered strawberries or bananas in fondue)

I can't cook or clean very well but I love good food and a clean house

Stickers give me a nails-on-chalk-board type of feeling (don't expect me to put any on my laptop)

In high school, my aptitude test said I should be an auto mechanic

I don't watch much TV

The only carbonated beverage I drink is beer

I love to ride on boats but don't like to swim

I dislike organized religion and loathe the current American administration (I not involved in any anti-whatever movements) but I get all choked up over religious and patriotic songs

I never learned to type

I am not shy and have been known to talk too much or say inappropriate things

I was once an excellent computer programmer but it took me a good 20 minutes to figure out how to insert the above button into this post

Oh yeah, you can't wait to meet me!  I am soooo interesting and exciting!

Next on the agenda:

I will try to be a part of the scavenger hunt for something to do.  But please do not include me in some list of fashion don'ts or lame shoes.  Please, I beg you.

My first name is Lori

I wear a size 7 or 7 1/2 shoe

I may use a paper and pen even if I have my laptop because I like to actually write (see above on typing)

I will probably drink something non-alcoholic because if I drink too much I will embarrass myself (also see above on not being shy)

I am often mistaken for other people so it probably won't be hard to find a look-alike

It is possible that I am the newest blogger (started in late March)

Now I can go back to trying to print cards, packing, and generally stressing out.

My Nightmares

I had a nightmare last night that my brother died.  It was horrible.  I know why I had this dream.  It is because I was reading blogs late last night and I came across the most recent post by Erin from Manic Mommies.  I was shocked and saddened to hear about her sister.  I don't know Erin personally, but I am a big fan of the Manic Mommies podcast and I have exchanged e-mails with the ladies especially surrounding the Wii they gave me.  I feel like I know them, though, because I listen to them regularly.  Sort of the same way I felt about Katie Couric as I watched her everyday for years while I got dressed and ate my breakfast.  Clearly I have much more in common with Erin and Kristin.

I have also been thinking a lot about siblings lately.  How my children interact.  How my siblings and I got along as children and now as grown-ups.  About my cousin, who we just visited, who is an only child but very much like another sister to me.  She now has two children of her own and seems to be handling their sibling interaction better than I do with my kids.

And, of course, there is the nagging feeling (okay, obsession) of mine about whether we should have another child.  This problem I have with not being able to make a decision is weighing heavily on me.  I know I have talked about this before and I have so many reservations, but I also still have this gut feeling that I will regret not having another.

Then I saw this post by This Mom and felt such grief for her.  And wouldn't you know it, the same day, I saw this post by MotherGooseMouse.  I felt happy for her and, I have to admit, slightly jealous.  She has openly stated many times that she didn't want any more children.  I wish I was the kind of person who could just let things happen, but I am not.  I think, think, think.  And plan.  And think and plan some more. 

And it really is ridiculous for me to even consider another child given my fragile state of mind lately.  And our lack of money and stability.  And here's one of the worst parts; I realized that the times I really lose it with Scott are when he does stuff to Jane.  I know I shouldn't get involved but I find myself reprimanding him time and time again.  Is it the little sister in my sticking up for Jane?  Is it my rules player self that can't seem to just let things play out but has to solve, rectify, fix all incidents?  Is it that I don't really trust Scott, even though, most of the time, he is harmless, just being an annoying brother?  Is it that I am trying to live up to other people's expectations for how I should be disciplining my children?

If I can barely handle the two of them, why on earth would I consider having another?

Because I was the last of three.  Because I am worried that only two kids won't make our family feel full enough.  Because I don't want to admit that I am not capable.  That, as annoying as it can be, I am not sure I want this phase of my life to be over.  That Scott will be in school all day next year and I will feel that our house is empty.  That I have become used to being a mom, almost comfortable, finally, with this role as it is.  That I am getting pretty good at this and maybe, next time, I'll be the great mom I know I can be (shitty reason, I know, having kids is not about proving my competence, but, hey, it's my blog and if I can't tell the truth here, then where?)  Because having more siblings is fun for the kids.  That they will need each other when they get older.

What if something happens to one of them?  I have friends who have had siblings die, tragically, when they are young.  One friend's younger brother died suddenly when he was 25.  Now she is an only child as an adult.  Of course the flip side to this is that whenever you have another child you run the risk of having a child with problems of one sort or another.  I also have a friend who's third child has a severe brain disorder, so bad that her baby cannot even eat on her own.  I am almost 40, not too old, but definitely upping the risk factor.  Anything can happen, that is for sure.

When I was growing up I always feared that my brother would die.  He was the golden child.  My mother would do anything for him and always made excuses for any of his bad behavior.  He could be reckless and I worried that something would happen to him and not only would I miss him, I idolized him (still do, yeah, he reads this blog), but I also feared that my mother would never recover.  This nightmare of mine is one I have played out in my mind before.  How sad everyone would be and how difficult it would be to move on.  I am prone to crazy, vivid dreams, sometimes so realistic it is terrifying.

Time Magazine had a cover story last year about the fascinating study of how siblings affect who we are.  New research shows that your siblings may impact you more than your parents.  Wow.  All that fighting and playing, negotiating and blaming, all those shared experiences and time together.  It adds up big time.  Maybe that is part of why I want my kids to get along so badly.  That and my sanity.

So I want to just let this go, this nagging feeling of possible regret.  I want to move on and come to the calm realization that this family I have is good enough.  That I will have more time for each of them and feel less frazzled.  We won't need a minivan and we will be able to go to Disney World.  The days of breastfeeding and naps are behind us.  That Matt and are so lucky and fortunate for what we have, there is no reason to want more.

And yet.  I have had several opportunities to unload my baby items.  The most recent time is to Scott's OT who is about to have her first child, a boy.  When we were there last week I brought a pack and play.  I could have brought a house full of stuff.  I couldn't bring myself to give the stuff away.  It sits in our basement and in my mom's basement, collecting dust.  Strollers and high chairs, toys and clothes.

Of course she has all new things that now fill up her house and bring back memories for me.  Did you know that pack and plays now come with remote controls and music boxes that can be attached?  How clever.  In the past I have seen pregnant woman and thought, thank goodness that's not me.  I hated being pregnant.  And, it took me the better part of two years to adjust to having two children.  I was good with one but fell off the deep end trying to manage two.  Between the guilt and different phases, it was way more than I could handle. 

But that is all in the past now.  As one of my friends who has three children said right before her third was born:  I've experienced one child, two children, a girl and a boy.  I feel that I am prepared for whatever comes next.  Or am I?  Oh, and I haven't even mentioned how Matt feels.  He has waffled on this issue but always comes back to our poor financially situation.  He feels (as men do) that it would be irresponsible to add another child.  But I know that if I was sure, with no doubts, he would probably concede.  The thing is, I am, obviously, so not sure.

The indecision is it's own nightmare.  Clouding my vision and flooding my head.  Making me feel that I need to wake up and get going.  One way or the other.  And put this nightmare to rest.

My Summer Rollercoaster

This summer has just been crazy.  I've already blogged about it to some extent, but the bottom line is that things just don't seem to be leveling out in any way.  The ups and downs are so dramatic.  I am not a fan of so much upheaval and it is truly making me sick to my stomach.

Today was no different in the amount of highs and lows.  It's one uncontrollable ride day after day.  Instead of trying to get to the bottom of it by analyzing as I usually do, I am simply going to give the positive/negative aspects of this day as a snap shot of every day lately at chez moi.

Down - Last night was a nightmare.  Matt, attempting to be the fun dad, put up a small tent in Jane's room.  Jane wanted to sleep in the tent (no problem) which involved moving every item in her room into the tent (big problem) at 9pm.  By the time she had set up camp with all her stuffed animals, baskets, jewelry, books, blankets and such she was so overtired we could barely understand her mutterings.  She crashed and then woke up at 2am coughing and crying.  Matt gave her a nebulizer and then suggested that she come sleep with us.  What?!  As I have stated before, I am firmly against having children in our bed. 

To keep the peace, I agreed.  Only to wake up (did I sleep?) a few hours later with my back hurting and Jane flinging her arms over my head.  I lost it and started yammering on about being pissed off and not wanting kids in my bed and now my back was ruined and I wouldn't even be able to run and we will be paying for this because she will want to sleep here every night, everybody has their own bed in this house, blah, blah, blah.  All while carrying her into her room and trying to put her in her designated bed.  She was not happy but agreed to go back to sleep if I moved all her things from the tent back onto her bed.  What fun.

Up - I was exhausted but awake and pretty much decided to move on.  I was able to get out at 7am and go for my longest run yet.  Five miles.  It was hard and long, but I felt great afterward.  Each time I run I build speed and get stronger.

Up - Scott wipes himself after going to the bathroom because I was busy and he got sick of waiting for me.  Yeah, he can do it, he just chooses not to.

Down - Once again I couldn't seem to get out of the house early enough to make it to swim class.  I hate being late and I am late all the time.  I usually blame this on Scott even though it is not his fault.  What a lovely mom I am.

Up - Jane happily played and swam at the baby pool which meant I didn't have to get in (I do in the deeper pool).  She alligator crawled and scooped up pennies from the bottom of the pool.  She even put her face in the water some.

Up, Way Up - Scott was beaming from ear to ear after class and announced that he put his face in the water.  His instructors said he did great today, really tried everything, big improvement.  I felt vindicated for making him stick it out mostly because he was so pleased with himself.  He couldn't wait to call Daddy and tell him.  I felt like a good parent saying, "How do you feel?  Proud?  You should feel proud of yourself.  What an accomplishment!"  Instead of what I could have said like, "I knew you could do it, what took you so long!"

Up - Even though we had little time to spare we were able to get home, change, grab our stuff and go get my mom with minimal problems.

Down - We got a little lost and took too much time driving to our destination.  This left us without enough time to have our lunch in a relaxed way before the show.

Up - Did I mentioned that my 12 year old nephew performs in a children's summer theater program?  Can't remember if I have.  We went to see him in the second show of the summer.  The first one was Willy Wonka and this was Rumpelstiltskin.  Both fabulous.  And Scott and Jane were very well behaved.  They loved it.

Down, Way Down - On the ride home I felt happy and competent.  The day seemed to be going so well.  I figured the kids would rest and I could drive home in relative peace.  No such luck.  Scott grabbed toys from Jane.  Jane whined and cried.  I screamed and yelled.  So stressful.  I have so fallen off the wagon.

Up - Children played at home while I did chores and checked e-mail.  Kids were occupied outside and I didn't have to be involved.

Up - After Scott asked for gum, Jane followed suit.  I reminded her that she can have the special strawberry gum after she uses the potty.  "OK, I want to try now!"  I was shocked, but felt it was at least positive.  She hasn't agreed to sit on the toilet for months.

Down - Nothing happened and she was sad.  She kept trying but didn't need to go.  Does she feel like more of a failure?  Will she try again tomorrow or is she too upset?

Up - Discover there's a new restaurant in town.  We can get take out and I don't have to cook or clean up.

Up and Down - My other nephew (10) and my niece (5) come over to play after dinner.  Good for occupying kids, but Scott gets wound up and ends up doing some tackling and pushing that gets him in trouble.

Down - It is now so late that there is no time for stories for either kid.  I feel defeated that I never seem to be able to spend the time with them that I wish I could.  Why didn't I play with them more?  Why can't I get to Scott's summer list of things to do?  And if I can't accomplish something then why can't I just accept that and be happy with the not doing, summer, laid-back world?

Up - Even though it is super late, I am actually posting today.

The ride is over for today.  Ready for another go around tomorrow?  I'm in whether I like it or not.

Forgive Me Readers For I Have Been Busy

It has been over one week since my last post.

Do you really want the explanations and excuses?  I didn't think so.  I'll give you the general stuff:  We were away.  Which means there was getting ready for the trip, going on the trip, and recovering from the trip.  With the summer schedule (or lack of one) I do not get a lot of free time to think, let alone write. 

I have to say for the record that I really hate feeling overwhelmed, like I can't get a handle on all I have to do.  It is paralyzing for me.  I feel that I can't do everything so I end up not doing anything.  It is a serious problem of mine.  I try to keep it together by lowering my expectations and not taking on more than I can reasonably manage.  But it creeps up at times, like when I wrote this post.

And right now.  Where the mix of little time to myself and too much time with the kids together (I can handle them each individually) and becoming immersed in blogging and all this reading of blogs and about blogging.  I feel myself slipping down the slope and quickly flailing.

So, I will do what I do.  I will write a list of what I plan (I use that term loosely) to post about.  Because I am more of a planner than a doer.  A personality flaw of mine.  The reason why it is sometimes torture for Matt (a total doer) and I to get along.  It makes me feel better to write a list, even if I never actually complete the items on it.  Here goes:

Observations at the pool

Summer updates on swimming, potty training, yelling

SPD research project we are participating in

Jane's crazy new antics and her emerging personality

Questions and thoughts for the BlogHer Conference

My fancy new Mac Book

My new running class and the concept Matt introduced me to of participating vs. observing (also K. Armstrong's thoughts)

The blogging community and specifically my latest favorite obsession, BlogRhet

Much linking and comments to be made on many blogs, especially some new (to me) really great ones.

Vacation and visiting family stories

A blog tour at 3 (now close to 4) months, updates all around!

Google hits that get people here

Libby, Dog Vader

Parenting and religion

Oh, I could go on and on.  OK.  Must. Stop.  I need to fight this and just start writing.  NOW.

Can You Hear Me Now?

I am ashamed to admit it, but I am a Yeller.  Not always, not about everything, but it is there and that Yeller side of me comes out.  It happens when I am stressed, tired, frustrated.  And Matt is, unfortunately, also a Yeller.  My mother did not yell much and mostly avoided conflict.  But my Dad, he's Italian and loud, and screamed a lot.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately.  When I listened to the Manic Mommies podcast (I think the one about Let's Start Cooking) they were joking about how we all say "STOP YELLING!" to our kids.  It really is ridiculous for us to believe that our children will learn how to keep it together and speak appropriately when we are such poor examples of proper behavior.

Today I promised myself that I would not raise my voice and I am happy to report that I did it.  No yelling today.  I spoke harshly in a whisper and still had to dole out some punishments.  But I never raised my voice.  I've done this before, even had whisper days, but today was really different.  Because things had gotten so out of hand around here.

There's been so much yelling that my throat hurts and Scott complains that he has a headache "from the stress".  I know better.  I've read all the parenting books.  My parents ran a day care center.  I know the most effective teachers are the ones who set clear expectations, never argue with the children, and most definitely, do not yell.  I am well aware that yelling decreases your credibility with children (anyone), makes you appear out of control, and increases tension instead of getting the results you want (compliance).

I also know from having a father that was prone to yelling, that there are only two ways to respond; either stop listening or fight back.  Neither helps the person who is doing the screaming.  It only makes things worse.

And still I end up screaming.  According to a Motherhood Uncensored BlogTalk podcast I listened to with the authors of the book Mommy Guilt, yelling is the number one thing that moms feel guilty about doing.  To tell you the truth I don't feel that badly about the shouting in general, although I know it is ineffective.  You know, like "Stop hitting your sister!" or "Let's go NOW!"  What really eats away at me is when I, or Matt, say things like, "Why did you do that?"  Or, (cringe) "What's wrong with you?!"  It is hard to admit that these things (and sometimes worse) come out of our mouths.  I am always sorry when I sink to that level.

The psychological ramifications are obvious, children who feel belittled, wonder why they are so stupid, feel unloved.  Scott has been screaming back, too.  Things like: I hate you!  You are the worst mom and I wish you would die!  You tell me not to be a bully, but you're the bully!  I know he is looking for a reaction and that he is understandably angry.  But I should be able to set a better example.  I have to.  Because Scott needs everything to be clear.   He has a hard time controlling himself anyway, without any added pressure or tension.

And there's the Sensory side, too.  The one where he just holds his ears and curls up and whimpers.  As if I am hitting him.  And I am, sort of.  Because he hears and feels the loud words more than other people.  It does hurt his ears and his head and his heart. 

I am reminded of a line I learned from Catherine Newman (the fabulous author who used to write for Parent Center):  "We hold their hearts in our hands."  Now I know I haven't damaged Scott permanently and that a little yelling isn't going to ruin someone.  It is good for him to realize that people can be angry, but still love each other, and move on.

But I am glad that today at least I didn't add to the tension.  I didn't make things worse by flying off the handle.  I kept it together and even if their behavior wasn't really any different, mine was.  I felt much more clear headed and calm.  This not yelling does not come easy, but like most things, the more I practice, the better I will get at it.  See, when I start raising my voice again, I can just read this and remember what I need to do!

And for the first time, in several days, I didn't have to apologize for myself.  I could stick to the issues at hand instead of it becoming about me and whether I was hurting someone's feelings.

I can go to sleep easier tonight.  And I think the kids can, too.

I'm Going to BlogHer!

Yea!  I won the WhyMommy contest and she gave me her free registration to the BlogHer 2007 Conference.  To quote IzzyMom:  I am one Lucky Betch!  Now, those of you who know me, also know that I do win things.  I tend to be lucky that way.  I have been trying and trying, entering contest after contest to win a pass and therefore justify the cost of airfare and hotel to the conference in Chicago.  I love blogging and wish I could write all the time.  Of course things like caring for the children, running, doing laundry, speaking face-to-face with my husband, take time away from it.

I want to be better at this and I want to try to branch out, into podcasting and trying to get some things published or generate some money here on my blog.  Putting that out there, admitting that I am considering this being something more than just me rambling, is a huge step for me.  I feel that this
is karma, or the Secret, or whatever, telling me to go for it.  I told my MIL that if I won the contest it would be because of her inspiration and that is so true.  Seeing people rise above their fears gives me the confidence to do the same.  So it is only appropriate that this is the contest that I won, the one that will allow me to forge ahead with my goals.

So, thank-you, thank-you, thank-you, WhyMommy.  I am sorry that you will not be there.  I feel guilty that I will go in your place.  But I will make the most of it.  And I will be thinking of you and pulling for you to get healthy as easily as possible.  Please know that you have already changed lives by your courage and honesty.  Your ability to put into words and share what you are going through.  And to spur others to take chances and live their lives fully.

And now I better get my act together.  Get this blog in order.  Find a flight (so expensive now!).  Set up my new MacBook (my birthday present).  Figure out how everyone will manage as I am not often even out for the evening, let alone away for a few days.  I think it will be good for everyone.

All this without ignoring the other, regular stuff.

You will be traveling with me via my blog.  I know you will have fun.  And I won't be alone even if I do not know anyone there personally.

Thanks for coming along with me.