Spinning Yellow: I'm Off, Ready Or Not

No new shoes, but I did mange to print out cards (with lots of help from Matt). They are kind of cute with a logo I scribbled together:

Spinningyellow_logo_2

What do you think?

I am now here in Chicago. I already met a few people in the lobby, but begged off their invitation to a cocktail party so that I could get settled.

Here's what I wrote in the airport:

My flight has been delayed. Just when I thought I was on my way! This will mark the third airplane trip I have taken since 9/11/01. I used to be quite the frequent flyer. When I booked this flight I couldn’t remember my previous frequent flyer number. I had to rifle through old day planners to find my last DC address and then verify the number with my maiden name. It’s been awhile. My Mileage Plus account showed a lifetime miles flown of over 68,000.

It seems like forever since I was a young jet setter traveling back and forth between DC and LA (early 1990's). I felt like a fraud at that stage in my life. Although I enjoyed the perks of a good paying job with an expense account, I missed being in one place, feeling like I was growing roots. And I never got over the fact that I was young and they were billing me out at some huge rate compared to my lack of experience.

I feel a little of that now while I sit here and wait for my flight. I have a laptop! I am using it, here, in the airport! Who am I? Normally I am squirreled away at home with little children. I wear whatever I can find for the day and that suits my purposes. I feel that I am exposed, here, out in the open. Forced to come to terms with my self imposed exile from other non-SAHM people. I think this is good for me even if it is making me uncomfortable. It is time.

I have been upset with myself for being anxious about this conference. I am not, generally, socially anxious. I can meet new people and join in with groups. Sure, I get nervous, but, among my many issues, I would not add being shy or afraid of new people. And yet, I feel out of my league. Like a fraud again. I won the pass to this conference and I am worried that my sponsors will wonder why they gave it to me.

And I have been thinking a lot about how I don’t have new clothes or shoes. I dislike shopping in general, but also don’t want to spend any money I don’t have to. This morning as I was ~~starting~~ finishing packing, a calm came over me. Why was I getting all frazzled? I know who I am. Although I'd like to look good and have trendy clothes, that's not really my thing. I am not willing to spend the time or effort on it. So, until I have lots of money or more time, it will probably not be one of my top priorities to have the latest fashion. I am OK with this. I have no issue with people who do like that. Maybe if I am lucky, one of the "it" girls will help me look better, like my college friends who would dress me up before we went out.

What I won’t miss on this trip:

Changing Jane’s diapers and wiping Scott's butt

Listening to the whining and complaining

Doing laundry, fixing up meals, cleaning up

Being woken up at night by the dog, a child, or my insomniac husband

Breaking up sibling fights

Saying to Scott any of the following things: Stop doing that, calm down, you may not throw things at your sister, it is never OK to hurt someone to get what you want, relax, your engine's running too fast, leave her alone, go to your room

Applying sunscreen, strapping kids into car seats, telling everyone to hurry up

What I will miss:

Tucking everyone in at night

Saying good morning right when they get up

Snuggling and laughing with Matt

Petting Libby

Watching Jane putter around the house, putting things where she wants them to go while she sings Backyardigan songs to herself

Having conversations with Scott like the ones I had today that went:

1. Mommy, where did all this come from, you know, the world, the trees and grass and people and all? Prompting me to discuss the religious view and the Big Bang view and then talk about evolution and how we adapt and rounding out with the fact that he may not get wisdom teeth because humans have evolved out of a need for them.

2. Mommy, what's a lawyer? Prompting me to discuss the law and then trials and prosecutors and defenders and how in America we are all innocent until proven guilty. A follow up question about what happens if the defender thinks their client is guilty led to a great discussion about how everyone is entitled to fair representation.

* Side note - I love these deep discussions with Scott. As I wrote this I realized that maybe I just like the opportunity to tell someone stuff who will listen!

Giving and receiving lots of hugs and kisses

The funny things the kids say like last night when Scott was unhappy with his dinner and we asked why. "Well, first of all, my steak is too chewy and second of all, there is no second of all" or Jane at the pool today saying she wanted to jump in 4 more times and trying to count that out on her hand. "Not this one," she said as she pointed to her thumb and then held up the 4 other fingers.

Being at my house, surrounded by the things I care about and the people I love

And because I am not quite done, thank-you, I'll add a little more.

While I was waiting in the airport I started talking to a guy sitting next to me. "Are you going to Chicago for business or fun?" he asked. "Both, I am going to a conference." "Oh, what for?" "It's a conference for bloggers." "What, exactly is a blog anyway?" he asked.

I suddenly felt like a blogging ambassador. What is a blog? Great question. Wikepedia says that a blog is a web log, written in chronological order. I told the man that a blog is an on-line record of events or thoughts or opinions. That it can be political or personal or whatever the person wants it to be. That it is often used for finding people you have things in common with, a community outside of where you live or your relatives.

When he found out that I write about my kids and parenting, he proudly showed off a photo of his one year old daughter. I realized that although I have become wrapped up in blogging, it is still a fairly unknown world to most people. I thought about how I had been comparing myself to other mommy bloggers. Ones who have lots of readers, who sell hip clothes, who are far better writers than I.

But that's not my place. I know who I am. I have my own voice, that is why I am writing this blog. I am here at this conference for a reason. I am the only one who can tell my story about me and about my life.

I am not a fraud.