Spinning Yellow: Throwing Punches

The other day when Scott came home from school he quietly said, "Mom, can I talk to you about something?".
"Sure"
"On the bus, you know how I sit next to that boy? Well, you know how we get silly and stuff? Well, he punches me and it hurts."
Trying to remain calm, I nonchalantly say, "Did you tell him it hurts?"
"No!" I get a look like I must be out of my mind.
"Why not?" I continue to try my best to look unphased while my head is swimming. Think. Think. What do the parenting books say? How am I supposed to handle this?
"He would just keep doing it. There's no point in telling him to stop."
"How is he going to know it hurts if you don't tell him? Maybe he thinks you think it is fun."
"I'm pretty sure he knows it hurts."
"What do YOU think you should do?" I offer, remembering that I am supposed to help him find the answers not just tell him.
"I don't know. Can we stop talking about this now."
Um, no, we can't, I think, but say nothing.

Scott LOVES riding the bus. It's like the wild west of his day. No teacher or parent watching and you get to bump around a lot. Ever notice how incidents always happen on the bus? I have such memories of either not being able to wait for the eternity long bus ride to end or of the exact opposite, wishing I could stay on the bus forever and never go to school or go home.

A little while later, I try to bring it up again. "Maybe you could sit in a different seat from that boy."
"No, I like to sit with him, it's fun. I told you I didn't want to talk about it anymore."
Because I just can't keep my mouth shut, I say, "Do you want me to say something to someone, the bus driver or his mom? What about Daddy? Maybe he has an idea."
"NO!!!"
OK, now I'm really in trouble. I fear that if I push too much my kids will stop telling me things. Who wants to tell your mom something if all you are going to get is an interrogation?

Later, I tell my husband. "He should punch him back." Oh, that's helpful, thanks honey. We are always telling Scott NOT to push, hit, shove, etc. but now we are going to tell him it is alright? I don't think my husband really thinks this is the best way to handle it, but it is just a natural reaction.

**Edited to say that my husband thought this made him look like a buffoon. A lug head who thinks conflict should be solved through physical means. Of course this isn't true of him, nor do I think I made him out to be like that. But for the record, he did say "he should punch him back". He says that he was thinking of being older and that sometimes with a bully you just have to stand your ground. This is a guy thing, girls are much more likely to be verbally mean. He for sure did not tell Scott to punch that boy and he does NOT think that hitting another kid is the right way to resolve anything. At least I hope not... Because even the most evolved men do get a little bit like "I'll show him who he shouldn't hit!" when they are being defensive about the people they care about.

During Scott's bath last night, Matt casually asks, "How was the bus today? Who did you sit with?" I listen in wondering if he is going to get anywhere. "Well, I heard you might be having some trouble with that boy."
"MOMMY! Why did you tell Daddy. I told you not to!!" Scott screams.
Now I am irritated. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told Daddy. Especially if I had known HE would bring it up. Really, I'm sorry. I just thought that Daddy, being a boy and all, might know better what to do about punching. I was just trying to help. I want you to feel confident that I won't tell anybody something if you ask me not to."
"That's OK, mom."

They talk for a while about how Daddy used to get in fights with a boy at his bus stop. It is usually helpful to tell Scott about a similar experience that happened to us so he doesn't feel alone. He really digs hearing about how we messed up. Of course when I get my husband alone I yell at him for not keeping the secret.

So we are left with the age old parenting dilemma: When do you let your kids solve their own problems and when do you intervene?

This morning I laid it out; "Basically you have these choices. One is to tell that boy you don't like it when he punches you. Two is to move to a different seat. Three is to ask a grown-up to get involved."

Now I know I have to let it go for awhile, but it is hard. Scott is not the most socially savvy kid and that boy is. It is not like he is saying he doesn't want to ride the bus or that he is so upset he is afraid. We carpool with that boy so we see him pretty regularly and I know Scott still likes him. It is more of a social adeptness that Scott is lacking. In the past he has followed kids around that he wants to be friends with who might not be that interested in being his friend. It is difficult to watch your child want to be accepted when he is not. I've tried the "Find someone who wants to be friends with you" line in the past, but it hasn't sunk in yet. I asked Scott if he was the one doing the punching and he knew his friend didn't like it, what would he do. And he said he would stop. I told him that means he is a good friend, one who is concerned for other's feelings. I left it at that. He can draw his own conclusions. Or not. I mean, won't there be tons of these incidents?

Would I want to know if someone else's child came home and complained about something Scott did? I guess I should say, yes, but really I don't. I've spent a lot of time telling him what to do and I really don't want to have to get involved in what happens on the school bus or at school. Unless I absolutely have to. I want him to learn how to navigate this stuff himself and grow from the experiences. He needs to feel that his parents will listen, but that he is capable of handling it himself.

Right?