Four Oh My
I am officially 40 years old today. No longer thirty something. Not in the 35 - 39 demographic. I have to scroll down quite a ways to get to my birth year, 1968.
Turning 39 felt liberating. Time to take on the world! Do things I've never done! No time to waste!
It has been a long year.
I feel tired. More realistic and less idealistic than a year ago.
I've enjoyed getting older. I like the wisdom. The earned self-confidence. The insight.
Something else, too, a sense of calm. A softening.
Am I realizing that it isn't worth it to battle or am I giving up? Is it both?
I've always felt strongly that people can be anything they want to be. That it is never too late to pursue goals or chase a dream. I still feel that way.
But it is tempered. I will never be an Olympic athlete. I probably won't be rich. But I may still get another degree, start a business, be on Oprah.
I have a picture of my mom at 40 from a newspaper article. It was a story about me and my trip to Egypt. My mother looks so young and pretty. At the time, I just thought of her as my mom, not as a woman I may grow up to resemble. Did she feel old then? It was the thick of her parenting days with me finishing elementary school and my brother heading off to college (and my sister still in between).
My life is 10 years behind hers at that point and yet I am the same age. My oldest at 7, still younger than her youngest, me, at 11. It would be several years later before she went back to work and then started her own school, her life's work, really, aside from being a mom and a grandmother.
I think I still have my life's work ahead of me, too.
Not to say that I am unhappy or dissatisfied with where I am. I look around in amazement sometimes hearing the Talking Head's song, This is not my beautiful house, This is not my beautiful wife, How did I get here? I don't have any issue with not feeling like a grown-up, but I do wonder if I've been doing it right so far. Am I missing something? Living life fully? Doing what matters?
I find myself pulling back lately. Instead of wanting to accomplish all kinds of things, I stop and live more in the moment. A new concept for me, really. I think I am appreciating what I have instead of pushing ahead looking for what I don't have yet.
Maybe this is all there will ever be. Same as it ever was.
I won't stop pursuing new challenges, learning, expanding. But if I'm never a size 6 again or I don't have any more kids, if I never have a perfect home or save the world, I will still be quite happy with my very full life as it is.
At 40 years old, I am good with that.
Except the Oprah part. I'm not giving up that one.
Happy Birthday!! 40 is a fabulous age, for all the reasons you describe. I remember it fondly...
Sigh.
Posted by: kristen | June 17, 2008 at 07:15 AM
Oh, L.! Have a wonderful birthday!
Posted by: slouching mom | June 17, 2008 at 08:28 AM
Happiest of birthdays to you, friend. It sounds like you've got it all figured out.
Posted by: delilah | June 17, 2008 at 08:43 AM
happy birthday! i really felt liberated by turning 40. have a fantabulous celebration!
Posted by: wyatt | June 17, 2008 at 08:53 AM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I can so relate oh yes so relate to this post.
Posted by: Julie Pippert | June 17, 2008 at 10:44 AM
Great post! Happy Birthday - have a great day!
Posted by: Tracey | June 17, 2008 at 11:59 AM
"Take a picture, here in the daylight
Oh, ho!
And it's a wild, wild life
You've grown so tall, you've grown so fast
Oh, ho ho
Wild, wild
I know that's the way you like it
Oh, ho!
Living wild wild wild wild, life."
When you are running for speed, you concentrate on the person ahead of you or the ground at your feet and you worry about the time.
When you are running for distance, you look down the road and see what's around you. You may not get there as fast, but get further.
Life is much like running, sometimes we have to run fast sometimes we run long. Your "training" program should have a good mixture of the two, that's the only way to improve over the long run.
Enjoy your birthday... and never give up on your dreams
Posted by: Terry | June 17, 2008 at 08:13 PM
Happy birthday! Milk the "turning 40" event as long as you can! You deserve it!
Posted by: dee | June 18, 2008 at 06:38 AM
Happy birthday, and thank you for such a wonderful primer on how to turn 40 gracefully. I believe you have so much ahead of you still. Best wishes!
Posted by: Mrs. Chicken | June 18, 2008 at 09:51 AM
Happy belated birthday! I'm going to print out this post so I can reread it in a couple of years when it's my turn. You have such a wonderful attitude.
Posted by: tulipmom | June 20, 2008 at 02:01 AM
Happy Birthday! (I love all theses Geminis online.)
Posted by: the weirdgirl | June 23, 2008 at 02:08 PM
Happy 40th Birthday Lori! It was great seeing you and Matt the other night! 40 really is the new 30 ;)
Posted by: Laura | June 25, 2008 at 10:34 AM
Happy Birthday! I was fine with 30 and 35 -- I'm already stressing about 40 and it's 2 years away. Life is a crazy thing.
Posted by: MommyWithAttitude | July 02, 2008 at 01:02 AM
Just catching up on your last few posts. You never fail to write EXACTLY what I am thinking (minus the SPD stuff). EXACTLY. As I cleaned up spilled milk for the 8th time this week yet I've already been in Atlanta for a whole month. Time warp.
40 is great, embrace it!!! I am, but I won't rule out botox :)
Posted by: Cyndi | July 03, 2008 at 11:13 PM
Talking heads indeed. I think the forties are a great decade, hopefully I can say the same thing about the next one too!
Cheers
Posted by: Maddy | July 06, 2008 at 03:13 PM
How did I miss this wonderful post?? I hope you had a happy birthday, Lori!
Posted by: Jordan | July 07, 2008 at 11:44 PM