The Story That Needs to Be Told (Part 4)

** This is the continuation of the saga.  To read the story in order go to Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3:

There's a lesson in all of this (I promise, it was worth reading)

In the end, we know it won't be the last struggle we face as a family.  Maybe it is nothing compared to the pain others go through.  But it did change all of us permanently.  Matt and I are better parents and our marriage is stronger.  We understand Scott and realize that, by getting to the heart (or hub) of the problem, we could work on a solution. 

I am reminded of when Scott was first born and I was in the hospital recovering.  The nurses kept bringing him in to breast feed.  I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and so afraid of messing up.  I would beg them to stay with me, "Is he latched on right?  Do you think he's eating?"  I would ask each nurse.  After awhile I think they must have fought over who was stuck coming into my room.  I had read all the books and gone to the classes, but I was still so insecure.  At one point during the night I thought, I can't do this.  I am not up for it.  Everything I had worried about was going to come true and any skeptics I had would be proven right.  I couldn't handle it and was going to be a lousy mother after all.

And then the miraculous thing that happens to people when they become parents happened to me.  I straightened up and shook off the sleepiness.  I stopped thinking about what people thought about me and whether I was doing what the books said to.   I concentrated on this baby that had come from my body only hours before.  I looked down at Scott and said, "It's you and me kid.  We will figure this out together."  I held him; I let him sleep; and when he and I were ready, he nursed.  I trusted myself, we learned from each other and I became a mother.

When I remember that being a parent is about your relationship with your child.  That it is a two way street.  You learning from them as much as they do from you.  I stay grounded.  I stop yelling and demanding.  I look for better solutions.  I seek first to understand where the child is coming from.  I set a good example.  And my child shows me the best they can be.  And I am the person I want to be.  And I know that I am doing it right.

If Scott had never had the pooping problem we would probably never have found out about the SPD.  Even when he was having the issues at preschool, we would have blamed the teacher or the setting.  Honestly, many people attributed his difficulties to immaturity or lack of home structure.  I am sure there are children all over the world who are in the same predicament.  I've seen some that I suspect have similar issues who live very close to me. 

I see children differently now.  When a child acts up, I wonder what might be the cause.  I used to silently scold the parents and pity the child.   Now I want to ask questions about what is really going on.

As I wrote this I tried to stay on topic about Scott's pooping odyssey.  I know it may not seem that way after 4 separate posts!  But there is so much to say about this (I could write a book).  I want people to know about SPD and the kind of effect it can have on a child.  The not so obvious outcome of certain neurological difficulties (hence the tag line: Beyond the Obvious).  I also want to emphasize what I learned personally and how the experience changed me and how I view everyone around me.  Your child does not have to have a specific ailment in order for you to learn how to be a better parent or a better person in general. 

If I tossed in some extra stuff it is because I want to remember all of this.  Many people said, "you'll be so happy when this is behind you".  Sure, I am glad I don't have to change Scott's pull-ups anymore and it is wonderful not to watch him be in pain each day.  I feel that a weight has been lifted from all of us.  But I don't want to forget how far we've come and what we've learned.  One of the reasons I wrote this is so that I can look here and put it all back into perspective.  Our experience is worth sharing.  For someone else who might find out something, look at themselves or their children differently. 

And for me and my family.  To know that we can conquer anything as long as we work together.

Comments

[slouching mom]

This has been a wonderful series. And it will be incredibly helpful, I suspect, to a good number of parents. Bravo!

[Jordan]

This is really excellent, Lori. You should write that book! Scott (and Jane!) is lucky to have you.

[Cyndi]

I am amazed. I just read all 4 posts at once and I am overwhelmed. You and Matt are to be commended for holding it together, you've had a tough road, one I know most people in your (our) family just do not fully understand. Thanks for posting your story.

[delilah]

I don't know what else to say except thanks for sharing all of this.

[Dee]

Lori,
While I knew some of this, I didn't know every heartbreak and every accomplishment thereafter. This story will help a lot of people, including me! Thanks!

[kyra]

i must go back and read the other parts to this wonderful story. hooray for you, for your commitment and love and strength.

[kristen]

Yes, I love the positive spin, the work together, show each other the way approach. To my mind, that will bring us the most progress in raising these very special children. I wish all parents found their way to a similar conclusion.

Thanks again for sharing, Lori.

[Laura]

Lori-
Thank you for sharing this story. We all have to endure so much as parents and the kids endure more than we can imagine. Very well versed and your perspective in the end was right on.

[huisuan]

First of all, thank you for sharing this story.

Sometimes we get upset and blame ourselves or one another when the going gets tough. Yet, these things didn't happen to you and Matt, your marriage wouldn't have been so strong, nor your understanding of Scott be so deep.

So i say, all these experiences were worthwhile! And most of all, i applaud your courage to face up to the problem even when there seemed to be no way out at some point in time!

[Hannah]

I waited until the whole story was finished to comment. Thank you so much for sharing this. I had never heard of SPD before and I'm fascinated by the implications for some children that I know, too.

[Kia]

Wow. It's heartwarming to see the struggles you went through with your son, and to see that you've reached, if not the other side, then a position a little further along the path.

Your love for your boy and your stamina are so obvious. I applaud you for getting him through such a difficult issue. You're an inspiration!

Kia

[twizzle]

Thank you for sharing your touching and heart-wrenching story. I, too, am the mother of an SPD kid and went through a similar odyssey of frustrations and professional evaluations before discovering the root cause of the weird behaviours and bodily issues. We are in therapy now and are making progress. Thanks again. And feel free to get in touch with me through my blog.