I was going to title this: No Heartbeat. But I didn't want to make everyone immediately feel sorry for me. That is NOT how I feel. It is true, however, that the tiny baby in my belly does not have a heartbeat. This was confirmed this morning at my 8.5 week ultrasound. I say "confirmed" because I knew this was the case. What I haven't been writing about here is that although I was tired and I had some general pregnancy symptoms, I was not sick. And I just knew that this wasn't right.
When I was pregnant with Scott I was so ill by week 6 that I could barely get around. Same thing with Jane. And then this time, well, some funky appetite stuff, and initially I felt pretty awful, but then it stopped. I never felt nauseous like I had in the past.
When I went in today, I told the ultrasound technician that I was concerned so she right away told me that the sack and embryo were there but that the fetus wasn't big enough for its age. Then she searched and looked closer and tried to find a heartbeat, to no avail.
I am sad.
But I am not devastated.
In the waiting room there were very pregnant women, waiting for one test or another. I could feel their anxiety. I remembered coming to this same prenatal testing site every other day toward the end of my pregnancy with Scott. The stress was unbelievable. I absolutely hate being pregnant. Not only because I feel like crap, but because there are so many unknowns, so many things you have no control over.
So I looked at those ladies and I reminded myself that I have two wonderful children already. A boy who has stolen my heart and a girl who has reminded me how joyful life can be.
And I felt lucky. So very fortunate for what I have.
Matt is on a train to Connecticut, hoping to find a job that will not require us to move. His last day of work at his own company was yesterday. He feels a little lost without a job.
I think we are finding our way, though. Right back to where we were all along.
And in the spirit of moving forward, I am accepting the National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo) challenge. I know! Me, who can barely post once a week is committing to posting every. day. this month.
Goals are good, though, so check back here daily. I will be putting out some things I've been afraid to post. Stuff I've already written and things I've been meaning to do. By the end of the month you will be so sick of reading cute stories about my kids and about what I think about everything that you will probably never want to come back here again.
But I hope you do because I am grateful for your friendship. This is what will help me. The writing. The community. Like a ball rolling down hill, I will be gaining strength with each post. If you have any ideas or suggestions for what to write about, tell me here or e-mail me.
Thanks for helping me and coming along.
I really am OK. I promise. I would never lie here.