I've been a little MIA. Not just with writing here but also with reading and commenting on other people's blogs. You've heard all my excuses before and now is probably no different, really. But I hate not being able to write more in general. I am way behind, owing posts not only to myself but to other bloggers who were kind enough to tag me for a meme or ask me questions. I need to become a more disciplined blogger. To carve out time daily to devote to writing.
This is a new goal for me. But as soon as I say that, I find myself hedging. OK, I'll start next week I think, after I am done with this scheduling quirk that has me hosting a playgroup, card club and book group all this month. Or maybe after I feel less tired, once I hit a stride in the second trimester. Like a dieter who keeps promising to start on Monday right after the weekend partying.
Why do I do this? Why am I such a procrastinator? I love blogging. If you enjoy something then it should be easy to find time for it, right. Nope. Not that simple. There is the guilt that I am spending time on a hobby, one that either replaces a proper job that I should have to contribute to our family income. Or takes time away from my primary duties of parenting and keeping the house in order.
The big problem is that I have too many ideas and they are too large. I always want to tackle the deep questions and complicated posts so that I can never just finish one thing. This has been a serious character flaw of mine for as long as I can remember. I have to actively fight against it.
So here I am.
When things happen in life we often hear the axiom: Things happen for a reason. This has a religious connotation as if a creator is over our heads orchestrating our lives. A puppeteer deciding each person's fate. Even when I went through my religious phase as a teenager, I always had a problem with this idea. Why would a supreme being make a child ill with cancer? Or cause one baseball team to beat another? It never made sense.
As I have grown older and abandoned most religious notions, I still ponder this question. Recently I have come to realize that what I believe is not that there is a reason for why things happen, but that instead, you can find reasons and meanings in things that happen.
I think I first became aware of this way of thinking when I read The Road Less Traveled back in my early 20's. I was quite taken by this book. The theory that we create our own destiny, that life is hard and must be lived in a very self-aware way in order to truly live fully. I think back to this book when I hear Oprah say that you should have a purpose driven life. That there are no coincidences. Only decisions.
I believe this wholeheartedly. This piece of The Secret. That if you are aware and listening, you will find amazing connections and meaning in what you come across. Maybe this sounds a little too new age-y. But it works for me. It is my version of religion. This kind of spiritual connectedness that drives you to certain people and events and decisions. If you want something or to become something different, be mindful of your choices and the influences in your life.
Today I finished our current book group selection, Name All the Animals. This is a book I stumbled across a while ago and had suggested a few times before it was eventually chosen. I wasn't sure if it would be any good, but I found myself absorbed in the story of the younger sister who's only sibling, her eighteen year old brother, had died suddenly in a horrific car accident.
I keep thinking about siblings and how they impact each other. I wrote about this before when I was trying to come to a decision about whether to have another child. Interestingly, the cover story of this week's Time Magazine is about birth order. How the oldest siblings tend to be the most successful and the youngest are more risky and innovative.
I find this kind of thing fascinating. I am drawn to family dynamics, psychology and sociology.
But aside from that, I can't help but notice how I was reading this powerful book at the same time that I came across the article and also heard on a podcast more about the study that says older boys are smarter than their later born siblings.
I find meaning and significance in everything. I want to tie together ideas and things I've read and current events. Almost everything I take in, I can then connect to something else and I start forming the flow of the words in my head. Weaving it all together, fitting the pieces in place.
So this, in and of itself, also has meaning. That I am supposed to do this. To write. To share my crazy, interconnected thoughts. To attempt to make sense of all the seemingly disjointed things. Maybe it isn't always timely or pretty, but it is full and complex.
And you are all meant to read it and contribute and make it even more interesting and relevant.